VH1’s new show gets fiancés fit for their big day.
Missing The Biggest Loser? Can’t get enough of Bridezillas? VH1 premiered your latest weightloss/wedding reality fix last night: Bridal Bootcamp.
Now I pride myself on not being wedding obsessed. But I can’t turn away from Say Yes to the Dress, if only to watch – mouth agape – as women make the biggest sartorial mistakes in honor of the “biggest day of their lives.” So when I saw the trailer for Bridal Bootcamp, featuring desperate brides trudging through mud in their gowns – I canceled my Wednesday night plans and picked out a tiara suitable for the premiere.
The first episode opened with a group of 10 “flabby fiancés” arriving at boot camp via army convoy truck. (The show emphasizes that these women are “unhealthy” rather than “overweight,” – nice work, PC police.) The brides rumbled along dressed in white gowns, combat bats and, for no apparent reason, helmets. They were immediately dumped into an obstacle course with a mud crawl and loud, smoky explosions. Apparently after that, the producers ran out of creative obstacle ideas. The big finish was … wait for it … jumping jacks.
But not just any jumping jacks! Jumping jacks until someone puked! Which, naturally, bride Courtney did. Courtney – a singer whose favorite thing in the world is “the smell of crayons” – puked her guts out during the jumping jacks. And that was just the tip of the bodily function iceberg. Within the first 20 minutes, we had three pukers, some diarrhea and a nausea-inducing headache.
The thing about bridal shows is they’re supposed to be about fantasy and escape and diamonds and champagne and throw-downs with mothers-in-law and cake and tacky centerpieces. They’re not supposed to be about using the toilet.
Somehow, the brides and their digestive tracts managed to carry on. They were quickly divided into blue and green teams called “bridal parties.” (Get it? Because they’re parties. Of brides.) Each team’s trainer sent the ladies hiking to some seriously fugly barracks and blew whistles and did other sorta drill sergeant things to them.