Can You Find Love in 90 Minutes?
Carrie gives it a shot with the new book “Love in 90 Days”
Psychologist Dr. Diana Kirschner thinks you can find love in 90 days. All you have to do is read her book, appropriately titled Love in 90 Days – do your homework and follow her fast-track to love.
That’s all well and good for ordinary times. But I just spent Valentine’s Day alone. Reading wedding books, tucked discreetly behind copies of The Economist, inside the children’s section of Barnes & Noble, so that no one would see my trip to crazyland.
Bottom line: I don’t have time to find love in 90 days, I need it now! So I’m using Dr. K’s plan to find love in 90 minutes.
WARNING: Do not try this at home, unless you are an advanced student of heartbreak, loneliness and desperation.
Step One: Identify and Eliminate Deadly Dating Patterns
Like all good life coaches, Dr. K recommends making time for love, meeting new men and dumping the losers. Let’s do this thing! I set my timer and prepare myself to break it down:
2:00 pm – Open book, read about prioritizing love. “To give yourself the gift of love in just 90 days, you will need to open up ten to thirteen hours per week.” Easy. Vow to stop watching Big Love reruns and not shower for week. Voila – thirteen hours of found time!
2:10 pm – Sign book’s contract promising to do my date homework, journal and never quit.
2:11 pm – Add addendum to contract – “Unless I get bored or annoyed with said book.”
2:15 pm – Read book instructions to sign up for ongoing classes that are “more advanced, if possible, as these will have greater number of men in them.” Or, Dr. K says, I can “teach a course that attracts men … like ‘Asian Etiquette for Businessmen.'”
2:16 pm – Swallow mouth vomit induced by reading sexist dating manuals.
2:17 pm – Start brushing up on my Japanese tea ceremony work.
2: 25 pm – More homework. Book says I must say hello to three new men each day.
2:30 pm – Introduce myself to my three male roommates, pretending they are strangers who frighten me.
2:35 pm – Read warning signs about my supposed deadly dating patterns.
2:36 pm – Realize that I have NO dates, thus NO deadly dating patterns. Victory!
2:37 pm -Reward myself with episode of Big Love.
2:38 pm – Consider sewing my own prairie dress.
Stage Two: Learn and Master the Dating Program of Three
2:45 pm – Take Dr. K’s “Dud/Stud” quiz to “determine if a guy is worth putting into [my] Dating Program of Three.” Apparently all women should be dating three guys at once. Holla!
2:47 pm – Big Love star Bill Paxton passes the quiz! He’s a “stud” worthy of dating me. Or at least joining the polygamous three-way date party I’m supposed to be hosting. How apropos…
2:48 pm – Practice pre-date affirmations suggested in book, like “This man is a present for my enjoyment.”
2:52 pm – Fast-forward TiVo to scene of Bill in shower. Repeat affirmation.
2:55 pm – Learn from Dr. K that I’m only allowed to make “One Proactive Move that either initiates or takes the relationship to a new level.”
3:02 pm – Add Bill Paxton to my Facebook fan page. Proactive move accomplished.
3:03 pm – Read “No Sex” section of book and discover I can’t sleep with men until I’m my “true diamond self.”
3:05 pm – Skip hundreds of pages to find “Diamond Self” chapter.
Stage Three: Discover and Nurture Your Best “Diamond Self”
3:10 pm – Devour chapter. Dr K says all women have a diamond self with is “dynamic, self-loving and passionate” and you should give that diamond self “a name, a grand name.”
3:11 pm – Tell my roommates they she should now refer to me as Princess Narcissa von Cupcake.
3:12 pm – Ask roommates to kindly refrain from throwing dishes at me.
3:15 pm – Sigh contentedly. Am now a diamond lady ready for intimate relations with Bill Paxton.
3:20 pm – Skip ahead to “How Happy Couples Work” chapter.
3:22 pm – Practice “eight habits of living love,” including “habit of considering the cost of loss.”
3:24 pm – Swear, as God as my witness, I will never erase an episode of Big Love again. The cost of losing Bill Paxton is one I am not prepared to pay.
3:30 pm – Time’s up! Start up another episode of Big Love and celebrate with soul mate Bill.
Ninety minutes. One true love. Nice work, Dr. K. How can Bill and I ever repay you?