Desperately Dating: ‘Twilight’ Almost Killed My Relationship
Sometimes you forget what you see in movie should never, ever happen in real life.
I was sitting in my cubicle at work doing my daily routine; that is, pretending to be working when I am really on Facebook. I heard someone approaching, so I quickly minimized Farmville. It was Kathy, my annoying co-worker. I knew it was her because I heard the sounds from her Avon jingle bell earrings that she wore every year at Christmas time.
I spun my chair around and desperately tried to greet her with a smile. Kathy proceeded to invite me on a girls night out to catch the new Twilight movie. I declined her invite. I explained to her that I wasn’t a follower; in other words, I had never seen any of the movies, nor had I read the books. Well, by her reaction, you would have thought I just admitted to killing someone and hiding them in my basement. She shrieked: “YOU DID NOT SEE TWILIGHT?” Needless to say, the very next day Kathy brought in the entire Twilight saga for me to watch. Oh, and the latest Avon catalog. I graciously accepted these offerings, but only because she also included some glazed donuts for my viewing pleasure.
The following weekend, Tank, my Italian Stallion boyfriend, went on a hunting trip with his friends. Translation: A bunch of men getting drunk in some cabin and playing poker. I had no plans and no motivation. Therefore, I decided to watch Kathy’s damn Twilight DVDs. Like the others before it, the newest Avon catalog made it to the top of the pile o’books on the back of my commode.
Into the first 20 minutes of the first DVD, I quickly became enamored with Edward, replaying every scene where he graced his chiseled pale face upon. I stayed up all night to watch all three movies and then hit the Sunday Matinee to see Breaking Dawn. I had to fight a 16 year-old girl for the last front seat by giving her my gummi bears to get her to move her Hollister wearing ass. My new obsession had turned me into a bribing bully and brought on a total depression about my love life. I mean Tank was nice, but he never came through my window and watched me sleep, or followed me wherever I went to make sure I was safe. Who am I kidding? I would probably call the police if he did any of that, thinking he was nuttier then a Payday bar, but you know what I mean. I didn’t want to settle anymore. I wanted someone to love me like Edward loves Bella. I wanted spine tingling, earth shattering, would-walk-through-fire-for- you love.
Thanks to Kathy and my own need for romance, my Twilight addiction continued throughout the week. She provided me with the books and, in return, I provided her with an order for three gallons worth of Skin So Soft. I avoided Tank’s calls like the plague. I just couldn’t face him knowing I was mentally cheating on him for days with a fictional teen age vampire. I knew I couldn’t allow this to go on forever. I couldn’t just spend my nights and weekends locked in an apartment wishing I was 15 years younger and living in Forks, Washington. I couldn’t live in regret for my past horrible relationship decisions either. I spent a lot of money on shrinks, booze, and shoes to heal those wounds already. I needed help and knew just where to get it. I went to the one person who I hoped could straighten me out, my Mother.
When I called my Mom, she could tell by the tone of my voice it was serious, so she made sure her chocolate chip cookies would be ready for me upon arrival. My Mom and I talked for an hour about my recent Twilight breakdown. She assured me this was all normal and I was kind of going through some kind of early mid life crisis. She even admitted going through a similar situation when Pride and Prejudice came out. She told me for about two weeks after she saw the movie, she would look at my father in disgust because he didn’t have an English accent or ride a horse.
She also told me that even though a man never fought a werewolf for me or miraculously stopped moving vehicles from hitting me, it doesn’t mean I never was truly loved. She then made up a tray of cookies and insisted I bring them to Tank.
I arrived at Tank’s full of anxiety and excuses. I was hoping the cookies would blow the whole not calling him for four days situation off. They didn’t, as I could see he was pretty ticked. Obviously, chocolate doesn’t easily persuade him as it does me. Maybe I should have brought beef jerky instead? I decided to just tell him the truth. Everything except the gummi bears bribery, which was way too embarrassing. Surprisingly, Tank took my Twilight-induced depression very well. In fact, I believe it made him like me even more knowing I had such a sensitive side. We then spent the rest of our evening in Tank’s bedroom, where he was determined to show me some made up vampire had nothing over him. It worked. Edward might have satisfied my romantic fantasy world, but Tank is doing one hell of a good job taking care of my real one.
In a previous life, Gianine Nelson was a college student studying Nutrition and working in the medical field. After spending time contemplating the human condition, she decided her addiction to donuts and writing about the crazy world of dating was her true passion.