From Schlong to Junk: What Are All These Names For Anyway? A Real Guy Explains

Respect the piece: please don't call my family jewels, junk. Nicknames for a guy's member and what they mean.
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From Schlong to Junk: What Are All These Names For Anyway? A Real Guy Explains

Respect the piece: please don’t call my family jewels, junk.

-Justin DeMarco

Man in boxers

Penis references can pop up at the most inopportune times, as Matt Lauer found out a few days ago. Lauer lost his composure during a Today show segment on food price increases when he asked his guest about the importance of package size on food prices. The food expert responded, “A trick that some of these retailers will use is to shrink the size of the package…” Right after the food expert’s input, a Food Price Increase graphic read: “Pay Attention To Package Size” as one of the things to be aware of. Lauer started laughing uncontrollably and said, “Sorry. Something struck me as funny. Oh, Gosh!”

The word “penis” has so many well-known, universally accepted nicknames it’s hard not to laugh in situations like the one Lauer found himself in. Any mention of the first or last names – Jimmy, Willie, Dick, Woody, Pedro, Wang, Johnson – or the slang names – schlong, dong, family jewels, pole, shaft, rod, or cock – usually illicit at least a childish smile from even the most uptight people.

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As funny as those penis aliases may be, one of the most commonly used names for the male anatomy in the twenty-first century is: junk. “Junk” makes no sense to me since I’m very proud of my male parts. So why the hell are people devaluing the penis with that term?

“Because we’re taught to think that our penises are dirty and we should be ashamed of any sexual actions,” Adam, a 26-year-old working at a New York City advertising firm, said. “We live in a society based on Puritan beliefs, so by calling it ‘junk’ we are perpetuating the notion that penises are despicable.”

Leave it to Adam to criticize the Puritans less than a week after Thanksgiving. He may be on to something though when it comes to the negative connotation surrounding the term “junk.”

“The male body is portrayed as ugly, especially in the genital area,” Matt, a 27-year old media buyer in New York City, said. “A woman’s body is seen as a work of art, beautiful and revered. A lot of the time you hear men’s bodies are said to be disgusting, maybe it’s because of the hair or because men don’t have the pressure to keep in shape as much as women do. The penis also just hangs out there, so I’m guessing that’s why they call it ‘junk.’”

Some guys are pleased with their “junk” though and don’t think the nickname was intended as an insult…


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8 thoughts on “From Schlong to Junk: What Are All These Names For Anyway? A Real Guy Explains

  1. This is really interesting! Whenever I’ve heard a guy refer to their stuff as “junk,” they usually laugh a little when they say it, as if they’re making light of that area. But yes, it kind of evokes the image of stuff down there being not nice or pretty to look at, so maybe a nickname like “the big guy” or “the man downstairs” would work better. But I would die laughing if anyone called theirs the “black and white cookie” in front of me — that’s too much visual!

  2. In my early twenties, an ex-g/f called him Jason, because “every time I’d thought I’d finally done him in, >BLAMMO!< he'd pop out from behind the shed in his w/ hockey mask and machete. Before that, I'd called him "Little Elvis", 'cause that was good enough for the King, and, who am I to argue?

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