Guys Answer: Why Your Ex-Boyfriend's Friends Won't Talk To You Anymore

Getting the cold shoulder from your ex's pals after you breakup? Real guys tell us why!
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So, what are guys supposed to do when they actually enjoyed the company of their buddy’s ex-girlfriend?

If it weren’t for the movie, When Harry Met Sally, I’d say they should just hang out. Instead Billy Crystal’s character, Harry Burns, had to share his theory with Meg Ryan’s character, Sally Albright, that guys can’t be friends with attractive girls because they want to have sex with them, but girls can still be friends with guys.

That seems to be the main issue for guys when it comes to talking to a friend’s ex. The logic is, if my ex-girlfriend is hot, and of course she is because I dated her, my friends would want to date her or hook up with her too.

 “Guys stop talking to their buddy’s exes for one of two reasons,” Ian, a 22-year-old New York City EMT, says. “One is that they respect their friend’s feelings and want to make it is easier on him. And two is because your buddy will probably be worried that since she is now single, his friends will end up trying to get with her and that would just make a mess of things.”

Read Is It OK to Date Your Best Friend’s Ex?

That is unless the guy friend hires a dating coach to clean everything up.

Dr. Ofer Batt, a dating coach in Los Angeles for and author of the soon to be published book, How to Succeed with Women without Being Weird: A Practical Guide to Dating, says it’s okay to still hang out with your buddy’s ex, as long as you’re honest with him about your intentions. 

“With regards to talking to and dating a buddy’s ex-girlfriend, I advise my clients to simply ask their buddy if it’s okay to stay friends with or to date his ex,” Dr.  Batt says. “The best approach is to talk to your friend and say you respect his friendship. Then tell him that you’re interested in talking to or dating his ex, but out of respect you wanted to ask if it was okay with him before you move forward. Usually, he will be so impressed that you asked for his approval that he will say yes. Sometimes he will say no, and it’s best to respect his wishes. I would advise against telling your buddy’s ex too much about him. You are a mutual friend, not a spy between them.”

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0 thoughts on “Guys Answer: Why Your Ex-Boyfriend's Friends Won't Talk To You Anymore

  1. It’s a shame that this happens, especially if you’ve been dating the person for a long time. His friends become your friends, so when you breakup, you’re not losing just him – a bunch more people are leaving your life. It’s sad.

  2. This actually goes both ways, although not for the When Harry Met Sally reason. It’s quite 8th grade, but if a guy becomes friends with his girlfriend’s pals, those friends will most likely disappear if they break up. From what I’ve encountered, for women, it’s a case of girl solidarity. I was friends with her first, and she’s hurting because of him, so I can’t be his friend without appearing disloyal.

  3. Ugh! This is definitely a tough one; I recently learned that guy friends and boyfriends come in packages like that…

    I still hang out with my ex though since he’s still my best friend–weird, isn’t it? Things will all end in tears after this, but the insight in this article really hits the spot. Sad stuff~

  4. Yeah I think it’s kinda weird how girlfriends of friends will often try to become closer friends with me as soon as they break up. Being friends with Ex’s friends is messy and a lot of work. Why would you choose to try to strengthen the friendship then?

  5. That is such a childish and immature perspective, but typical of guys. If someone wants to be a real friend and not just an acquaintance thru a third party with you, why not? It’s only until you find yourself in the middle of circumstances where you have no friends do you wish you thought twice about turning them away.

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