How to Read His Internet Profile: Tips From Your Gay Best Friend

Watch out for these red flags in his online dating profile.
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How to Read His Internet Profile: Tips From Your Gay Best Friend

Watch out for these red flags in his online dating profile.

-Brian Clark

Online dating

Internet dating sites are the United Nations of the romantic world. Everyone goes there with good intentions, very few people seem to understand you once you are there, and most people leave the experience somewhat unsatisfied after seemingly endless days of negotiations.

Still, when compared to not-so-well drinks at happy hour, noisy co-ed filled nightclubs, or nights alone with your foster cat, online dating is a good option.

I wish it were as good an option for straight women as for gay men. In the gay world, dating sites (at least the one’s you pay to use) are where the non-party guys who really want relationships go to meet similar types of guys. In the straight world, things are a little more complicated, especially for women. So, here’s some tips for you to sort through the matches that clearly don’t match.

Size Does Matter
Short profiles mean danger, ladies! A short profile says, “I’m too good for this,” or “I can’t be bothered to actually try to date,” or “if you think I’m non-committal now, you should see me in year seven.” Not the kind of energy you want in a soul mate or even just a coffee date. Enough said.

Read Guys Decoded: What They Say vs. What They Mean

Likewise, overly long profiles are big trouble. Guys who don’t know when to stop writing tend to be self-centered, needy, desperate, unemployed, greedy, stalkers, inappropriate, delusional, unstable, fanatical, overeaters, methodical, provincial, demanding, hoarders, confrontational, poorly proportioned, untrustworthy, whiny, under-employed, turbulent, hippies, dull, depressing, sophomoric, transients, procrastinators, renters, frustrated, self-employed artists (aka unemployed), disasters, quirky….Ooops, I’m doing it again. Oh well, you get the point.

Instead, look for a well-written bio with solid facts balanced out by some interesting personal tidbits and pithy relevant remarks. Remember, if the bio seems weird, the guy will be even weirder. No one gets more normal as you really get to know them. So, look for someone who has enough social awareness to hide his freaky side for a paragraph or two.

A House in the Blurbs
Many, many, many attractive men have lost my interest solely on their blurb. Use your gut here. Instant reactions are best. If “It’s Your Lucky Day,” seems a little too confident, knock him down a notch by clicking next. If “Me, Myself and Lonely,” is too desperate, pass on him. And if “Luke, I’m Your Dater,” is too nerdy, you’re right. I used that one and it never worked. Not even on the Comic Con crowd.

Also, watch out for any blurbs that are too raunchy, overly boastful or include the word “namaste.” Apply similar rules to screenames.


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0 thoughts on “How to Read His Internet Profile: Tips From Your Gay Best Friend

  1. kitty says:

    “Also, watch out for any blurbs that are too raunchy, overly boastful or include the word ‘namaste.’”

    LOL!!! I love you, Gay BFF!

  2. sugarpie says:

    I love it when they say, “No baggage, please.” Everyone’s got baggage!!

  3. RaVen says:

    TOTALLY agree about the default picture NOT being a picture of “Fido”! It makes me hesitant to delve further; other than to probably decline the friend request…I’m not looking for a pet…at least not that kind. LoL ALSO guys that use a picture of their cute little kid or of themselves as babies, for their main photo; seem like they wouldn’t be above emotional blackmail… Why I say this 1)to not at least look at their profile, may, to some, seem rude because after all; whom can resist a cute innocent child. 2)if I don’t find your child as adorable as you do…I’m still more inclined to say ‘yes’ anyways, and hope you won’t actually IM me, rather than give the appearance of “rejecting” your “little pride and joy”.
    You rock, GayBFF!!
    XoXoX
    Ciao!
    RZ

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