I Am A Party Girl: Do I Need To Tell My Boyfriend?
Ask Your Friend…Ask Your Shrink: Can I have my crazy party girl life AND my boyfriend?
-Libby Keatinge and Dr. Morris Halperin
Dear Libby and Dr. Halperin,
My question is about how much I need to tell my boyfriend. I have been with him for 6 months, and things are really going along great. He is nice, kind, etc, and all the things I wanted in a boyfriend. My question has to do with things I do when I am not around him. I have a group of kind of crazy friends. We all end up going to this guy’s house a lot after we go out. There are a lot of drugs and orgies going on, but there is also kind of a regular party going on in the living room.
Anyway, I am worried one day I am going to run into these people while I’m with my boyfriend and they will say like, oh, I know you from “Matt’s” house – and everyone knows everyone who goes to parties at Matt’s house participates in orgies and are crazy girls. However, I’m not. I don’t get involved in the orgies and I usually just stay in the living room and drink with the other people who are not participating. Anyway, should I tell my boyfriend that I go to these kinds of parties but I don’t do anything, so that he knows ahead of time and I am being open?
By the way, I like these people and like going to the parties. It’s a fun little thing in my life and I want to keep going, so I hope your advice is not to stop going.
I absolutely think after six months your boyfriend should know about this. If you want to stay with him, you DO NOT want him to find out on his own. It will look like you have been hiding something, and then you will look very shady, even though you say you have not been doing anything. You need to make him aware of your activities yourself, and test the waters and see how he feels about it. It doesn’t have to be a big, heavy conversation, but somehow in a casual way you need to find out how he feels about these kinds of things. You also need to do an inquiry on the relationship and weigh what is more important to you – boyfriend or crazy lifestyle. If the crazy lifestyle is really you, then be true to yourself and continue that, but you can’t really do so while dating this guy, because I have a feeling he is not going to like it. But who knows, maybe you will tell your boyfriend and find out he would like to check it out – then you can go together, but that is not too likely.
Guys are very proud of their girlfriends, and the last thing they want is to be embarrassed and find out their girlfriend is not who they think she is. This is why it often takes guys so long to want to use the word “girlfriend” in the first place.
They are so afraid that once they finally use that word, she will go sleep with his best friend or pull some other kind of antics, and he will be humiliated.
Although you may think people should know the real “you,” it’s too bad, but you are guilty by association by going to these parties. Once you walk through the front door, you are the same as these people because by being there you show you approve of that behavior – which actually wouldn’t be a big deal if your boyfriend was into that lifestyle too, but from your question it looks like he is definitely not, as you are afraid to tell him.
It’s like if you found me in a hotel suite with Charlie Sheen and three hookers, but I was kicked back on the couch watching “Family Guy” and eating popcorn, while they were engaging in other activities involving chandeliers, powdery substances, etc. Maybe I am technically not doing anything, but it clearly doesn’t look good for me. Maybe I don’t care what you think, but in your case, you do care what your boyfriend thinks – so you have to be careful.
Of course in a perfect world, people want to know the real you, but unfortunately that is not the reality. I have fielded plenty of questions from gals who admitted to their boyfriends about formerly being a stripper, sleeping with someone they didn’t really like to get their rent paid, or having escort friends – and, sadly, they all got dumped. The reality is: people are judgmental, this is just how the world is. Act accordingly.
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