Physical – Did I think he was hot? I wasn’t looking for Brad Pitt, but I also wasn’t looking for David Spade. I wanted someone who made me my heart flush when he looked at me.
Social – Did he enjoy the same things as me? Some people like music, movies, and going to parties; some people like horses, hills, and campfires. I knew I needed someone who had the energy and adventurousness with which I had begun to live my own life. Dinner and drinks would no longer do.
Emotional – Would I feel comfortable going to him for support and would he feel comfortable coming to me (or anyone for that matter)? Could I see myself as referring to him as my “best friend?”
Intellectual – I was tired of going out with men who either railroaded me with their opinions, or were willing to let me railroad them. I wanted someone I could share thoughts and ideas with, and someone who had them to share.
Financial – I am not actually looking for the three-carat ring, but I am also not looking to pay someone else’ bills. Could he one day build a home with me and did he want that in his life?
Sexual – Did he like sex? In this day in age, whether its psychology or pornography, most guys treat sex like a straight jacket rather than a loose robe. I knew I didn’t want a porn addict, but I also didn’t want a prude.
Spiritual – I knew this would be the most challenging part of my list, but it would also be the most crucial. I wasn’t necessarily looking for someone who had a clear and defined concept of God, but I did want someone who understood what it meant to be charitable, to be loving, to help one’s neighbor.
At the end of the day, my list was long. I knew the “picky” charge would probably still be weighed against me, but I also knew that I wanted a decent looking, sweet, adventurous, mature man who liked sex, and I would just have to wait until he showed up. But at least, I knew what I was looking for, and what I wasn’t.
In my hunt for love, I had finally come to the realization that being single was a liberating, soul-searching, powerful adventure if I allowed it to be, and there was no reason to give it up just because someone was willing to play my boyfriend. I should want them in that role, and if I don’t, it’s not fair to either of us for me to pretend.
Relationships are like that dream job that we think comes with all the free dinners, travel, and accomplished life goals we have been seeking, but really it just makes you work your ass off. And if you’re in the right one, that’s fine. But if you’re in the wrong one, it seems a terrible sacrifice of freedom to pretend you feel something you really don’t. Instead of going into the grocery store and accepting whatever food fell into my basket, I made my list, I went in with purpose, and I came out with love. And though I’m not for certain, I’m pretty sure that so has Jeff, and that one day, if we know what we’re looking for, and we’re willing to wait for him, so will all of us.
Go see Kristin McGuiness this Saturday, 11/20 at 2:00pm – at West Hollywood Library (715 N. San Vicente Blvd., LA 90069)