It's Okay Not to Like Him

How to decide if the guy you're with is the one for you and what to do if he isn't.
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Couple not getting along

Physical – Did I think he was hot? I wasn’t looking for Brad Pitt, but I also wasn’t looking for David Spade. I wanted someone who made me my heart flush when he looked at me.

Social – Did he enjoy the same things as me? Some people like music, movies, and going to parties; some people like horses, hills, and campfires. I knew I needed someone who had the energy and adventurousness with which I had begun to live my own life. Dinner and drinks would no longer do.

Emotional – Would I feel comfortable going to him for support and would he feel comfortable coming to me (or anyone for that matter)? Could I see myself as referring to him as my “best friend?”

Read Stop Falling For Jerks!

Intellectual – I was tired of going out with men who either railroaded me with their opinions, or were willing to let me railroad them. I wanted someone I could share thoughts and ideas with, and someone who had them to share.

Financial – I am not actually looking for the three-carat ring, but I am also not looking to pay someone else’ bills. Could he one day build a home with me and did he want that in his life?

Sexual – Did he like sex? In this day in age, whether its psychology or pornography, most guys treat sex like a straight jacket rather than a loose robe. I knew I didn’t want a porn addict, but I also didn’t want a prude.

Spiritual – I knew this would be the most challenging part of my list, but it would also be the most crucial. I wasn’t necessarily looking for someone who had a clear and defined concept of God, but I did want someone who understood what it meant to be charitable, to be loving, to help one’s neighbor.

At the end of the day, my list was long. I knew the “picky” charge would probably still be weighed against me, but I also knew that I wanted a decent looking, sweet, adventurous, mature man who liked sex, and I would just have to wait until he showed up. But at least, I knew what I was looking for, and what I wasn’t.

In my hunt for love, I had finally come to the realization that being single was a liberating, soul-searching, powerful adventure if I allowed it to be, and there was no reason to give it up just because someone was willing to play my boyfriend. I should want them in that role, and if I don’t, it’s not fair to either of us for me to pretend.

Relationships are like that dream job that we think comes with all the free dinners, travel, and accomplished life goals we have been seeking, but really it just makes you work your ass off. And if you’re in the right one, that’s fine. But if you’re in the wrong one, it seems a terrible sacrifice of freedom to pretend you feel something you really don’t. Instead of going into the grocery store and accepting whatever food fell into my basket, I made my list, I went in with purpose, and I came out with love. And though I’m not for certain, I’m pretty sure that so has Jeff, and that one day, if we know what we’re looking for, and we’re willing to wait for him, so will all of us.

Go see Kristin McGuiness this Saturday, 11/20 at 2:00pm – at West Hollywood Library (715 N. San Vicente Blvd., LA 90069)

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12 thoughts on “It's Okay Not to Like Him

  1. This is a good topic that not many people talk about! He can be a great guy, and all of your friends may love him, but if there’s no spark, you shouldn’t pretend.

  2. Unfortunately I’ve had too many realtionships where I just didn’t want to be alone. but it’s being alone that teaches you what you really want out of a relationship in the end.

  3. I met a guy that everyone liked. A lot. I let myself get railroaded into a relationship because everyone I introduced to fell for him. Except me. Listen to your inner voice. If something doesn’t feel right- it isn’t.

  4. That’s right- true feelings cannot be forced. A former friend of mine used to judge me when I’d go out with guys he thought were great on paper who wound up being duds. He’d realize later the guy was a loser after getting to know him.
    When I started dating my now husband, he said he wasn’t attractive and got mad at me when I agreed my man was right on a topic they disagreed on ( my ex-friend did drugs- and my guy asked him not to get into his car with them because we don’t and didn’t need to be reponsible God forbid we get pulled over- my ex-friend denied it and I didn’t stick up for him because he was turning into a DRUGGIE!)
    My hubby is adorable, with intelligence to spare. When we did get married, my ex-friend insisted I not plan anything without his input. He didn’t even return my call when I called to say I was engaged! He came to the wedding, with no gift, stole money from one of our guests, and I haven’t heard from him in years. He got fat, bald, and a mutual aquantaince said he was in court with his dad a few months ago. He’s 36, still lives at home, still does drugs, and can’t keep a job, and has no man.
    Point of story, listen to your instincts, not your friends who are not YOU in the dating sitch!

  5. @girleegirl: It takes a lot of maturity to realize that, because I think many people get into relationships to avoid being alone. I can relate on the epiphany of what you learn about *you* during your alone periods. At 31, I actually haven’t dated very much at all, because many first dates my friends or family liked did not feel right to me and I didn’t want to pretend for the sake of their opinions. Many times, my instincts were right and the guy wasn’t as perfect as he appeared, so I blessedly avoided some really bad seeds. But I have a lot of friends and family who still jump from relationship to relationship looking for a savior of sorts, and they still don’t understand why those relationships often fall apart. I guess some have to learn the hard way a few times.

  6. Good suggestions…I think it is important to have an idea of what is important to you in a relationship. I just got out of one and there were so many good things….so much of my list was there…but my heart just wouldn’t go in. I have never had that happen before, usually I fall in and don’t have all the clarity. Think you are right, you can’t force the feeling if it is not there…and if it is there then there can be some adjustments made on the must have list.

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