Mean Betty on Charlie Sheen: "I'm a Total Frickin' Rock Star from Mars"

Shut up, Charlie Sheen! You're ruining Mean Betty's Oscar buzz!

Mean Betty on Charlie Sheen: “I’m a Total Frickin’ Rock Star From Mars”

Shut up, Charlie! You’re ruining Mean Betty’s Oscar buzz!

-Mean Betty

Charlie Sheen

Ouch, Charlie! Mean Betty just woke up from her annual post-Oscars hangover, and all Mean Betty can hear is Charlie Sheen’s ridiculously incomprehensible rants on repeat on TV. It was bad enough that Mean Betty had to sit through the stoner-induced snoozefest that was James Franco’s hosting last night, but now this?

There’s only so much Mean Betty can take!

What hack thought it was a good idea to give Charlie an on-air interview? He stuck his foot so far into his mouth on the radio, you’d think producers would know better than to give him another platform to spew his nonsense.

But Mean Betty knows that ratings prevail, so on to morning TV Mr. Sheen went. And the results, dear kittens, were disastrous.

Of the many ludicrous statements Charlie made on Good Morning America and Today, Mean Betty’s favorites are:

“I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitchin’, a total frickin’ rock star from Mars. People can’t figure me out, they can’t process me. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with a normal brain.”

“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

“People misinterpret my passion for anger. … You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be, like, Dude! Can’t handle it! Unplug this bastard! Because it fires in a way that is, I don’t know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm.”

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Oh, Mean Betty almost forgot — Charlie also said he’s so special because he has “tiger blood” and “Adonis DNA.” Because that makes logical sense, right poppets?

Ugh! Mean Betty can barely stir her Bloody Mary let alone try to process the delusional jumble of words that have escaped from Charlie’s mouth. Mean Betty wishes her throbbing headache–and Charlie–would just STOP already!

Who really cares if the guy is drunk, high, tripping out, or has officially lost his mind? Mean Betty doesn’t have the time nor the patience to listen to anyone who claims to be “from Mars,” and that applies to everyone, including burned-out television stars like Charlie.

Mean Betty is going back to bed… and is brushing all of this Charlie gibberish off like a bad dream. Goodnight, kittens!


Mean Betty

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