Mean Betty: Paris Hilton, Criminal Mastermind?

Paris Hilton has been accused of stealing from high-end jeweler Damiani. But is she really capable of such a crime? Mean Betty investigates!

Mean Betty: Paris Hilton, Criminal Mastermind?

Paris Hilton has been accused of stealing from high-end jeweler Damiani. But is she really capable of such a crime? Mean Betty investigates!

-Mean Betty

Paris

Kittens, do you remember when that most vapid of heiresses, Paris Hilton, found herself the unwitting target of a ring of ne’er-do-wells who went by the name of the Bling Ring? If Meanie recalls correctly, this would have been back in, oh, 2008, 2009. The dastardly members of the Bling Ring took Paris for a collection of jewelry to the tune of $2 million. Local law enforcement did manage to recover most of the bling, which they dutifully returned to Miss Hilton; however, dear Paris has since gotten into a little trouble over some of it.

You see, one or two of Paris’ stolen sparkles weren’t actually hers. They were merely on loan to her from the swanky jeweler, Damiani. Furthermore, they weren’t just “one or two” sparkles. They were $60,000 worth of shiny things. And Paris, of course, has not only failed the return the jewelry, but moreover, she has failed even to return any telephone calls or emails regarding the problem. For shame, Paris! Meanie expected better from you! The ostrich approach very rarely proves effective; simply depositing your head in the sand and refusing to look up does not prompt a problem to choose to wander off. Instead, it will wait patiently for you, and when it runs out of patience, it will grab you by your plentiful hair extensions and yank you back to the surface. However, Paris, you may have already discovered this fact, as Damiani has begun suing you.

But kittens, do you know what it is about this whole ordeal that has Meanie spluttering with laughter in her morning mimosa? Suing darling Paris for theft assumes that she has the, ahem, mental capability of planning and executing a theft in the first place. To which Meanie says: Paris Hilton, Criminal Mastermind? HA!

Read Mean Betty on January Jones’ Mystery Babydaddy

Let us consider, for a moment, the circumstances of the Bling Ring’s activity at the home of Miss Hilton:

1) Paris is, to put it delicately, dumb as a post. This quality of hers is what led the Bling Ring to choose her as their target.

2) She left her door unlocked. She also left a key under the doormat, so even if she HAD locked the door, it still would have been stupidly easy for the Bling Ring—or anyone, really—to gain access to her house.

3) The Bling Ring robbed her not once, not twice, but five different times. Paris, dear, did you learn nothing about burglar-proofing your house after the first three times? The butler can set you up with a state-of-the-art security system should you require it. The butler can also set you up with a butler of your own who will be in charge of setting your new state-of-the-art security system, since it is likely that you will simply forget it exists as soon as it has been installed.

Kittens, after considering these points, Paris finds herself in a good news/bad news scenario. The bad news is that her brain isn’t up to the task of protecting her own property from thieves, let alone planning a robbery herself. The good news, however, is ALSO that her brain isn’t up to the task of protecting her own property from thieves, let alone planning a robbery herself. In fact, it is likely that Paris wouldn’t even have been able to take advantage of the situation as it was, because she simply lacks the skills to do so. Her bad news is inseparable from her good news, which gives her an airtight alibi. Congratulations, Paris! Furthermore, Meanie suspects that if Paris HAD somehow gained the capacity to carry out such a terrible crime herself, she wouldn’t have done it for the worth of the jewelry; she would have done it because she is similar to a small child and enjoys shiny things. And we certainly can’t blame the children, now, can we?

Of course, what ultimately came out is that Paris has been telling the truth: She did not, in fact, have the Damiani pieces, which means that they were not among the ones that were returned to her. But in any event, dear Paris can rest easy knowing that she will never again be accused of theft, for it has been proven that she simply cannot handle so complicated a concept.

In parting, a note to the Bling Ring: Did it not occur to you to try for a more challenging target than Paris? Because really. You might have shown a bit more regard for your chosen profession.

 

XO,

Mean Betty


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