Mean Betty: ‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’ Are Getting Sued… Over Water?
The Manzo-Lauritas of ‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ are getting sued over a product called Blackwater. That’s right: Sued because of water. Mean Betty is laughing uproariously.
Do you believe in health drinks and fads, kittens? Do you believe in the wonders of acai? Of pomegranate? Of the so-called “master cleanse?” Meanie doesn’t. This is perhaps why she finds it so hilariously bizarre that The Real Housewives of New Jersey are currently getting sued over one, a mysterious, allegedly beneficial substance called “Blackwater.” Because really, kittens: Who gets sued over water? Caroline Manzo’s two sons Chris and Albie (pictured above) and Jaqueline Laurita’s husband Chris do, apparently. Oh, how Meanie is tittering into her cocktail!
What exactly is this “Blackwater?” Well, the literature says that it is water which has been imbued with the healing properties found in fulvic and humic acids. You see, when tropical rainforests decayed millions of years ago, they left behind something called humates, of which fulvic and humic acids are extractions. There’s a lot more scientific mumbo-jumbo involved here, which, to be honest, Meanie doesn’t entirely understand; but suffice to say that fulvic and humic acids are believed by some to be the best medicines that nature can provide—better, even, than the top-of-the-line medical treatments the boys at the lab spend their lives slaving over.
Given the our nation’s propensity for superfoods and health tonics, it was really only a matter of time before someone came up with the idea of using these fulvic and humic acids as a marketing point for some new fad or another. Meanie, by the way, still firmly believes that there is no tonic that will do as many wonders for your health as a daily martini; she also realizes, however, that this mode of thinking may be somewhat old-fashioned, so never you mind, kittens. But you’ll never guess what fulvic and humic acid do when added to water! Give up? Here it is: They turn it black. How fascinating! And thus, the drinkable fulvic acid “treatment” called Blackwater was born.
But here, kittens, lies the problem: More than one party is laying claim to the idea. Oh, Meanie does so love a good drama! The warring factions are two companies, BLK Brands and Creative Thinkers, which each have a different account of how Blackwater came to be. According to our dear friends at the Hollywood Reporter, BLK tells a tale of a pair of sisters named Jacqueline and Louise Wilkie. The Wilkie sisters were partners at BLK and developed Blackwater in 2008 after their mother was told she had only a year to live do to terminal bone cancer. In an effort to heal their mother, the sisters gave her fulvic treatments, which miraculously worked, thus leading them to develop the idea of a water-based drink powered by fulvic and humic acids. Creative Thinkers, on the other hand, claims that it thought up the idea in 2009 and shared it with the Wilkies. After the Wilkies told Creative Thinkers that they had connections with Starbucks—cha ching!—the two parties entered into a non-discosure agreement for “Blackwater Drink Products.” One of the Wilkies then registered a trademark on Blackwater on behalf of Creative Thinkers.
And here’s how the Real Housewives factor in: In June of 2010, the Wilkies met the Manzo-Lauritas at the New York Fancy Foods Show, and the sinister plot to steal Blackwater was hatched. Allegedly, the trademark registration got transferred illegitimately and a new company was formed. Oh dear. Dear, dear, dear. That’s just not done, is it?
BLK sued first, pursing claims of trademark infringement and unfair competition claims. Creative Thinkers, however, have issued a boatload of counterclaims: that the Manzo-Laurita family used its influence as a reality television family to spread a false story about Blackwater’s origins; that there has been a breach of contract; that there has been trademark infringement; and that there has been fraud, among many, many others.
Lofty claims! Intellectual property can be a tricky thing indeed. And yet Meanie keeps coming back to one thing, and one thing only: The big hullabaloo?
IS ABOUT WATER.
Fancy, oddly colored, most likely ridiculously expensive water, yes; but water nonetheless. And somehow, a big, crazy lawsuit happening over water just doesn’t make any sense! Besides, kittens: Had you even heard of Blackwater before this whole to-do, let alone consumed it? The butler hadn’t. Neither had the pool boy. Even the gardener hadn’t heard of it, and the gardener has quite a sizeable weakness for fitness and health fads. We don’t even really know if fulvic acid-treated water actually has any effect on such grave illnesses as cancer at all! How much money can anyone truly be hoping to make from Blackwater as a product? Is it going to be worth the sky-high legal bills? Meanie thinks that we can safely assume it won’t.
Even though Meanie would rather be drinking a martini, what’s wrong with good, old-fashioned, clear H20, anyway? There’s a reason Meanie’s favorite celebrities are described as tall, cool glasses of water—not of Blackwater!