In the Bedroom
Vibrators: Too Much of a Good Thing?
How not to be reliant on your rabbit
We’d like to introduce to you Betty’s brand new SEXPERT, Amber Madison. Well versed in all bedroom matters (kitchen table matters, elevator matters, whatever matters to you about sex!), she can answer your questions here and will be providing great and useful content as well, like this piece on vibrators…
What’s not to like about a vibrator? Its sole purpose is to please you, and the only thing it asks for in return is a few batteries. But what if, gasp, you’re vibrator is screwing you …out of an orgasm! A worry on some women’s minds is: “Have I become addicted to my vibrator?” It’s not that they can’t leave the house because they’re too busy masturbating; it’s that after regularly using a vibrator, having an orgasm during sex seems to have become more difficult.
According to Dr. Lori Buckley, a psychologist and certified sex therapist, “When women become used to the intensity of a vibrator, it can be harder to have an orgasm during intercourse since they’re lacking the direct clitoral stimulation that they have learned to love and rely upon.”
So what’s a Betty to do? Retire her rabbit? Before you go that far, consider these three tips to ensure that sex with yourself doesn’t get in the way of sex with your partner.
1. Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty. Understandably, no one wants to go back to a regular toothbrush after using an automatic, but some women may benefit from using their vibrator a bit less and using their hands a bit more. Masturbating with your hands can help re-acclimate your body to manual stimulation, and help you relearn how to have an orgasm without the help of mechanics. If your hands aren’t getting you anywhere, you might want to try starting out with your vibrator, then switching over to manual right before you have an orgasm.
2. Don’t be afraid to get your partner’s hands dirty. So you get off on intense clitoral stimulation – ain’t nothing wrong with that. It does mean, however, you should bring your partner up to speed on your sexual needs. Make sure that he’s paying enough attention to your clitoris when you’re having sex. Maybe that means that you need to start out with some oral sex to get you warmed up, or maybe it means that his fingers need to be a bit more involved party in your sex life. Either way, you have to communicate with your partner about what brings you to an orgasm.
3. Don’t be afraid to get dirty with your vibrator. If you need a vibrator in order to have an orgasm, then bring your vibrator into the bedroom and use it with your partner. Ian Kerner, Ph. D, and best selling author of, “She Comes First” suggests that a vibrator dependency could be a “mental predisposition” more than anything else-so the mere presence of your vibrator can help assure you that you will have an orgasm, let you stay more relaxed, and allow you to really get into your romp. As time goes on, you can use it less and less as you mentally make the shift from only being able to have orgasms while alone with your vibrator, to being able to have orgasms while having sex with a partner.
At the end of the day, if you’re convinced that using a vibrator has desensitized you and is making it harder for you to enjoy sex, then the easy answer is: just stop using it – at least for a while. But “instead of just blaming the vibrator,” Dr. Kerner encourages women to “look holistically.” Sure, it’s completely reasonable to think that you can become accustom to using a vibrator. But it’s also a lot easier to blame a vibrator for problems in your sex life than it is to blame your partner, your self or your relationship. If you’re not enjoying sex as much as you used to, make sure that’s not just a symptom of a bigger problem like stress, depression, a tumultuous relationship, or an unsupportive partner. Vibrators can be great, but ultimately, their purpose is to aid your sex life, not distract you from it.