Wanted: Fat Actress
Must love hogs
Did you hear the one about the chunky, middle-aged actress who couldn’t lose weight so the producers of the movie had to fire her much-younger hunky co-star so she wouldn’t look so bad when they were filmed naked, next to each other?
Oh, wait – you didn’t hear that? Know why? Because it would never ever happen! Yet when Russell Crowe couldn’t lose enough weight to make his on-screen sex scene look remotely plausible, his hottie Nottingham co-star, Sienna Miller got canned.
Apparently producers are now looking for a more age-appropriate, zaftig actress to doff her duds with Crowe. Good luck with that. The average Hollywood actress is approximately a size zero, give or take an ounce. Sure, men also feel a lot of pressure to look good, but when was the last time you saw an actor who appeared to subsist solely on oxygen and carrot sticks? Hollywood can’t even let pregnant women lose weight slowly, congratulating these ladies when they drop all their baby weight within a month of spitting a child out! How can that be healthy?
But I digress . . . Russell, if you’re serious about finding “an older, plumper actress to play the role so [Crowe] doesn’t look like a paunchy grandpa. Someone in her late 30s or early 40s,” have I got a girl for you. Though I haven’t acted since a high school production of “Our Town,” I can provide at least one belly roll, two laugh lines, and even a stretch mark or three. Have your people call my people.