Where’s the Kink?
Dear Amber: My husband and I are at an impasse. I want rough, wild sex; I want to be tied up and dominated … nothing too gross – no piercings or whips. My husband (of 15 years) is sweet and gentle and says he just can’t be that way in bed. He’s all about tender loving – which I love about him, but sometimes I just want kinky. And my urges have intensified in my 40’s, which have led to frustrating dissatisfaction in the bedroom.
Amber: First of all, it’s not that your husband CANT act rough and wild in bed, it’s that he doesn’t want to. I’m sure if someone held a gun to his head he’s be able to tie you up and reenact the type of sex that’s in Basic Instinct. He CAN (physically speaking) do it. That still leaves you in a tricky position because you want to be able to pursue your fantasies, but you also need to respect his limits.
I have three suggestions for you. One, focus on activities that involve you more than him. For example, having sex while tied up or while wearing a kinky outfit. You’re not asking him to do anything different, just to have sex with you while you’re doing something
different. Two, break him in slowly. Asking him to go from sweet and sensitive to wild and crazy is a lot, so take baby steps. He can start with light spanking or talking dirty, and then moving into more dominating activities won’t be such a leap. And three, find out what his fantasies /sexual requests are and fulfill them. Once he sees how great it is to play out his fantasies, he might be more inspired to cater to yours.