Debbie Houston is a divorced mother of two teenage boys who has a knack for giving advice and seeing a situation from all sides. She's intuitive, honest, sound, and fair. And she rarely sugar-coats. Her wide circle of friends jokingly call her "the Oracle" as she has become the "go-to" girl for advice, support, or insight into just about any situation.
Why does she have such a vision? It's because she's been through many experiences in her own life, made her own set of mistakes, and has chosen to learn from them and pass them along.
So ask her a question... you might not hear what you want to, but she'll always tell it like it is.
Debbie tries to answer all of your questions within 14 days.
Disclaimer: This website is for entertainment purposes only. The opinions expressed on this website are the views of individual writers and internet users and are not necessarily the views of BettyConfidential.com and/or Desha Productions, Inc. The content on this website is not a substitute for medical, psychiatric, or any other health services, and any individual requiring the care or supervision of a health care professional should seek professional assistance immediately.
What Would Debbie Do
Sexless or Clueless on the Love Boat?
Dear Debbie,
Why is it that if you love a girl but are not into her sexually she thinks something is wrong with her, when, in fact, it's just the sex. And when it comes to sex, it's no different than picking a car or a new shirt...for men. How would you explain it to her? How would you put it?
--Bad Boy
Dear Bad Boy,
Just like you see things your way, women see things their way. You're cut and dry about it. In fact, you even equate sex to something as mundane as picking out a car or a new shirt. Women, however, equate sex with love (clearly you missed that chapter of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"). Therefore, if a women doesn't want to embrace how you think, they'll take this information poorly, be crushed, and think there's something wrong with them for the rest of their lives. A confident woman, on the other hand, will take your news and actually try to learn from it. What could I be doing differently? Why did I bore him in bed? But unfortunately, those women are hard to find, and they're usually the ones you love to have sex with anyway, so it's a moot point.
Here's my advice: Do her a favor. If you know that the sex issue is a deal-breaker, be honest and move on. You're going to cheat on her anyway, so save her the heartbreak. But if you're really a cool and evolved guy and you do love her, then take the time to tell her what it is you need, want, and think in the bedroom. If she loves you, she'll listen, put her ego aside, and hopefully begin to rock your world.
What Would Debbie Do
I Can't Compete With Stay-at-Home Moms
Dear Debbie,
I'm a single mom of a 6-year-old daughter. I'm also a mid-level executive of a successful (if sometimes stress-filled) company. The fact that my job is located about 45 minutes from my daughter's school and involves several daily can't-miss meetings with clients often means that I don't get to volunteer for classroom duty or as a field-trip chaperone. I do, however, support the PTA, schedule quarterly conferences with my daughter's teacher and keep in close contact with her teacher via e-mail (which thankfully the teacher knows how to use).
But I still can't compete with the stay-at-home moms (or moms who work nearby) who can pop in on a whim to have lunch with their children. Wanting to feel like I'm participating in my daughter's classroom experience, I've asked her teacher if there are things I can do from home to help her with lesson plans. Have scissors, will cut! But she's never taken me up on my offer. Navigating the maze of school "rules" that rarely have anything to do with learning can be difficult, I know. (For example, why must I buy three different class T-shirts?) But for me, it's proven to be nearly impossible.
And slipups (I accidentally donated the field-trip T-shirt to Goodwill) that most moms would shrug off seem to condemn me even more. I've become "that" mom. It's gotten to the point where I long for school holidays. When I was younger, I LOVED school and hoped to instill that same joy of learning in my daughter. But I'm afraid she's absorbing my stinky attitude about school. What are some tips for bridging the gap between home, work and my new third job - school?
--Struggling
Dear Struggling,
Sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be a superwoman both in the workplace and as a mother. Clearly you want to be validated as an involved mom in your daughter's life, as well as to climb the ladder in a career that is probably satisfying and successful. Here's the rub: Most often, it's difficult to have it all. Something has to give.
If you think you're ever going to win the competition with stay-at-home moms for "snack-mom" or "most times visiting the classroom," you're sadly mistaken. You'll be trumped every time. If you think you're going to get credit from others for the "at-home" time you put into your daughter's art project, you're wrong. But who are you trying to impress? Other mothers? Forget about it.
Working mothers have a difficult task. They have to balance their life and their family with little time and lots of responsibilities. Add being a single mom, and it's crazy-hard! You need to accept this, remember that your intentions are good and do your best, even when it feels truly unfair. A mother is judged by how she loves, not by how many hours she logs in the classroom. Sure, it would be nice to have the luxury to engage any time you want, but not all women have that choice. Be proud of your accomplishments, your care-giving and yourself. Your daughter will take note, take pride and love you for all you do.
What Would Debbie Do
I Let Fear Run My Life
Dear Debbie,
Here goes. I'm a middle-aged woman who lets fear run her life. I don't pursue my ex-husband for more child support because of my horrible past experience in court. I often don't open mail because I'm afraid to deal with bills. I'm afraid to take my year-old son to a counselor because I'm afraid I'm going hear that he's screwed up or that I'm doing a terrible job. I have tackled some fears and challenged myself; I just feel like it's never going to get better. Any advice?
--Scaredy Cat
Dear Scaredy Cat,
You're allowing fear to run your life, and as long as you do that, you will remain in the same place. It's time to take action, face your fears and deal with your life in a way that puts you back in control and able to deal with whatever comes your way.
When there's fear, there's anxiety. It's a crippling combination. It is my hope that you seek out support and help from someone you trust - be it a therapist or a friend. Running from invisible ghosts that you have created in your mind is no way to live. My favorite quote goes something like this: "Whether you think you can, or think you can not, you're probably right." The power to move through anything in life resides in your head. So move out the fear, take charge of your thoughts, identify the issues, take a deep breath and live your life, fearless and empowered. It's time!
What Would Debbie Do
My Sister is Obese
Dear Debbie,
I have a sister who currently lives with me. She is in her mid-20s. She is very pretty but extremely overweight, and I know that as much as she jokes around about it and says big is beautiful, she still feels bad. She has a hard time finding dates, and she's lonely and would like to be in a serious relationship. I try to be sensitive to her issues and tell her things like, "Oh, that guy wasn’t good for you, anyway," or say that he was ugly. I don't know what else to do. Can you help me find something else to say to her, so I don't say the same thing constantly?
--Concerned
Dear Concerned,
Sometimes it’s very difficult to point out the obvious when it comes to someone’s appearance. I’m sure on some level your sister knows that her obesity must play a role in how she’s perceived by men. They are visual creatures, and in a world where beauty and appearance are valued, it’s hard to get around that, no matter how unfair it may be.
Unfortunately, though, the only one who can make a change is your sister. I’m sure you’ve said things over the years that have made sense, but unless your sister decides for herself to deal with her overall well-being, nothing you say will make a difference.
I say the best you can do is to lead by example. If your sister is living with you, invite her to take a walk with you. Go to the gym. Take a yoga class. Perhaps she’ll find a routine that will benefit her in ways that your words can't. And who knows, maybe there’ll be a handsome young man she meets who will give her the motivation to change her life for the better.
What Would Debbie Do
My Boyfriend Drinks Alone
Dear Debbie,
I am a divorced mother of three high-school-aged children. For the past few months, I have been seeing a man who is kind and generous, and who wants to take care of me, which is something I didn't experience in my nearly 20-year marriage.
But I am conflicted because I think that he drinks too much. While I don't see him every day, I do talk to him on the phone daily. At the start of our relationship, he would tell me that he was drinking. Sitting home drinking six beers while he's alone isn't healthy, and I told him so. But I also told him that I am not his keeper. I've expressed my concern and told him that, going forward, I need to take care of myself.
We have gotten somewhat serious, and I am confused about what to do. He told me that I have pointed things out to him that he didn't see or wouldn't admit before. He went as far as to talk to his EAP (Employee Assistance Program) person at work, and he has collected the names of mental-health clinicians. But I'm asking myself, ‘Am I setting myself up to get hurt?’ He says he loves me, and I believe that he does, but I am a caretaking type of person and don't want to become a "rescuer." I grew up in an alcoholic home, and I wonder if I am hypersensitive to alcoholism. He really makes me happy, and I don't want to throw away a possible future with him over this. Help!
--Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
It’s one thing to drink six beers while you’re watching the big game with your buddies, but it's another thing to drink six beers when you’re sitting home alone. I think you know the difference.
I don’t think the fact that you grew up in an alcoholic household makes you hypersensitive. I think it makes you hyperaware. I also think that you need to accept the fact that this man has a proclivity to drink like this — with or without you. And unless he recognizes that this is not normal, he probably won’t change this habit anytime soon. Thus, it becomes your choice as to whether the good outweighs the bad. If the guy is an ugly drunk, well, I think you have your answer. If you can tolerate the fact that he’s numb most of the time but brings something else to the table, then all is well. If you think he’s going to change his ways, you’re in for a big letdown.
Get it all on the table and don’t back down. Weigh your options carefully. This decision can have far-reaching effects on you, your children and your life. Your discernment is paramount at this time.
What Would Debbie Do
Is It My Turn Now?
Dear Debbie,
I'm a 56-year-old grandmother. After raising six kids — five of my sister's and one of my own — I would like to go back to school and finish up my degree. I want to, but I feel so guilty. You see, my sister died in childbirth and left the kids for me to raise. Now the baby is in her third year of college, but every time I try going back to school, there's a family emergency. One of them either gets very sick or has a personal issue with her boyfriend or husband. Please advise what should I do. I feel so guilty doing for myself when they need me. Am I being selfish? Thanks.
--Blossom
Dear Blossom,
This is very simple: Go back to school. NOW. You have given of yourself in ways most people will never understand or appreciate. It’s now time to be good to yourself, follow your dreams and let your children begin to take responsibility for themselves. It’s time. You deserve it. You’ve been selfless. Now be selfish — in a good way.
What Would Debbie Do?
Mother Trouble
Dear Debbie,
Here's the deal. I have issues with my mom, and I'm only 20 years old. She annoys me and pulls crazy-lady stunts like getting upset for no reason. And I'm not the only one who sees this happening. My brother noticed it, too, before he moved out. For example, while I was folding the laundry, she came out of nowhere, yelling that I was doing my chores slowly - even though she had asked me to fold the clothes in the first place - and then she left, slamming the door. This is just one of the many things she does. My boyfriend says it's too late for me to tell her that it bothers me; half the time, I keep quiet and don't show any emotions, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. However, I am getting tired of it. What should I do?
--Annoyed
Dear Annoyed,
If your mother is picking on you, it's probably because you're 20 years old, living in her house and not following her rules, however archaic they might seem. If you want a better relationship with your mom, maybe it's time you move out and live on your own, and then you'll be able to fold your clothes whenever you feel like it.
What Would Debbie Do?
Why Won't he Stay Over?
Dear Debbie,
My boyfriend of the last eight years or so absolutely refuses to spend the night with me. He has always done this, offering a myriad of excuses about why he cannot stay. I can stay at his house, but he will not stay at mine. He knows how much it bothers me, but when I bring it up, he either ignores the question or pats me on the head and says "sure," but he never stays. He is kind, very generous and affectionate to me otherwise. It drives me crazy (in a bad way). Am I making too big of a deal out of this? I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but he is really pushing me away.
--Sleeping Solo
Dear Solo,
After eight years of dating, you and your boyfriend have clearly established a pattern of behavior, and you've accepted it over and over again. I think at this point, it's a little too late to be complaining about something that has been going on for this long. The time to dictate what is really important was about seven and a half years ago. Accept it or move on. I seriously doubt he's going to change his ways at this point.
What Would Debbie Do
He Won't Wear his Wedding Ring
Dear Debbie,
What would you do if your husband refused to wear his wedding ring?
--Miffed
Dear Miffed,
I think it's pretty obvious - and mildly upsetting - that your husband wants to convey to the world that he's available and single. Not cool. I think it would be a serious issue for me, as it makes a pretty bold statement. I wonder how he'd feel if you left your ring off? If it's a deal breaker for you, take a stand and don't back down.
What Would Debbie Do
Does He Like Me?
Dear Debbie,
This is something I would truly love an answer to, so please help. There is a guy I see on just about a daily basis but don't personally know. I just see him often because he is a manager at a store that I visit almost daily. I think he is cute, and sometimes I think he likes me, too, but I am not sure. If he does like me, what would be the signs? How would he act around me, how would he look at and talk to me, and how should I flirt with him and try to attract him? Thanks for the help ... I need it!
--Interested
Dear Interested,
It's simple. Saunter right up to this guy, look him in the eye and, with a big smile, ask him a question that pertains to his store. If he answers you in an engaging, flirty way, he probably thinks you're cute. But if he gives you a perfunctory answer and doesn't seem interested in talking to you further, start hanging out at another store!
What Would Debbie Do?
How Much Should I Tell my Future Employer?
Dear Debbie,
Question: I resigned from my executive assistant position of five years after my co-worker suffered an epileptic seizure, and I asked our human resources manager to call an ambulance and instead they asked my co-worker if she was drunk or on illegal drugs. The next day, I was called to my boss' office and met with two bosses and the HR manager and given a formal warning not to question her again. I then gave my notice. My question is: Do I tell my future employer the true reason why I left? My co-worker also resigned.
--Eileen
Dear Eileen,
Having experienced a close friend of mine going through an epileptic seizure, I have deep empathy for what you went through. It's a frightening encounter, and your instinct to call an ambulance was responsible and prudent. What happened afterward is shocking, to say the least. Your decision to resign, while unfortunate, is admirable and suggests that your sense of right and wrong is finely tuned.
As to whether or not you should disclose this to your next employer, I feel very strongly that it should not be volunteered, because it could come across as sour grapes. If you are asked directly, I think you should downplay it but be honest. Your next employer could take it as an act of defiance, which might not bode well for their hiring you. Unfortunately, some companies want "team players," and that is a loosely defined term. What one person may see as standing up for what is right, another may see as making waves. Tread carefully with this, because even though you appear to have done the right thing ethically, you don't want to be defined by this event. It could bite you in the long run.
What Would Debbie Do?
Starting Over
Dear Debbie,
I am a 36-year-old woman. I have been married for almost 13 years and have two sons, almost 10 and 8. My husband did not contribute much at all in the raising of our boys (he was still in the hang-out, party mood), to which I finally said "enough" about a year and a half ago. He realized his family was important to him and has since done a complete turnaround. He has severed ties with his single, childless friends and we are now a family. We do things together all the time, vacations, bike rides, dinners, movies, sponsored runs - you name it. Life is grand. The issue is, my husband has wanted to have more kids since our family transformation. I am thinking about it also, and we have even made an appointment for a vasectomy reversal. Am I crazy? The kids are getting so independent, and that makes me a little sad, but to start over again is huge. What do you think?
Dear Wondering,
First of all, I'm thrilled to hear that your husband has prioritized his life in a way that benefits your family. Sometimes it just takes a while for people to realize what's important to them. Thankfully he did this before it was too late.
As to the question of whether or not you should have another child, well, it's really not my place to advise you on this. But I will offer up some thoughts that you might want to consider before ultimately making a final decision.
The first thought is whether or not a new baby fits into YOUR life at this time. Let's face it, as mothers, it's our responsibility to take care of a baby. I don't care how much a partner helps; ultimately, this is your job and your job alone. A baby brings joy and happiness - you know this, you have two kids already - but it also brings a complete and total shift in your daily routine, at least for the next five to seven years. I would guess that your life has gained much independence since the births of your children more than a decade ago. Are you willing to go back to square one?
The next thing to consider is how a new baby will impact your relationship with your husband. As women, we know that our bodies, our sex drives and our lack of sleep (!!) impact our intimate relationships in ways that are hard to ignore. Is your husband willing to give you a hall pass, so to speak, for this short period of time? Or is he incredibly demanding and unable to set aside the difficult years for a bigger gain? As we get older, we become more set in our ways. Is he flexible enough to go with the flow?
I have two children. If I had stayed married, I most likely would have had another one. However, if someone came into my life today and wanted another child, I'd have to say no. I'm just not there anymore. I hope you can evaluate the situations in your life and arrive at an answer that honors yourself, your family and your sense of where YOU are in your life right now.
What Would Debbie Do?
How do I Begin Anew?
Dear Debbie,
I recently went through a divorce. Two years ago, my then-husband and I moved to a small town two and a half hours away from my family to start a new life. Well, that didn't work out, and now I'm living in an apartment with my 16-year-old daughter. I have no close friends but a great job. I would love to move back home, but financially I'm stuck out here. My question is: Where and how do I meet people? I feel really alone at times.
Thanks for your time.
- Pam
Dear Pam,
I hate the idea that after personal upheaval, you feel trapped and lonely. We must remedy this situation quickly, as it will change the outlook of your life, at least until you can move back home (if that's your goal).
I think the best place to start is your daughter's school. Getting involved with other parents who face similar issues is a great way to meet women who understand what you're going through. Invite the mothers of your daughter's friends over for some wine and cheese, and have a "village meeting." My school does these, and they're great fun, particularly if you make them festive and social. It's an opportunity for parents to discuss the issues that their children are facing. It's also a great way to find out what's going on with other kids. You will instantly meet a lot of women, and you'll engage in your community in a way that's relevant to your life at this time. Through this, you might find women you relate to, and they might become your friends. Remember, it's been said that it takes a village to raise a child, and through common experiences, you are bound to find some new friends. Good luck!
What Would Debbie Do?
Put Your Resentment in the Closet
Dear Debbie,
I started dating a man six months ago. I actually dated him for six months 27 years ago, when we were in high school, but we went our separate ways to experience life. We are both divorced now and we both have children. He is in the Army as a career, so at least one or two weekends he has to work. On the other weekends he spends the entire time with his 13-year-old son. Sometimes on Friday nights we get to see each other for a few hours, and the only other time is one or two times during the week. (His daughter is older and out and about, being social; and my children are both older and also out much of the time with friends or working.)
Now that I am quite sure we love each other and we both have agreed to a committed relationship, it makes me sad to spend my weekend time alone. I do have friends, a house, dogs, chores, etc., plus a full-time job during the weekdays, so I do have a life outside of him, but I miss him terribly all weekend. I have recently joined a gym and will be spending time there as well, but he will still always be on my mind. How do I go about being happy without him? I'm afraid my loneliness is going to turn to resentment and start to cause problems between us. Am I too insecure? And if so, what do I do to change that about myself?
- Carol
Dear Carol,
I understand your dilemma. You reconnect with someone special, after years apart, only to find you have to be separated on the weekends. Here's the good news: The important time he's spending with his son is coming to an end.
I am the divorced mother of two teenage boys, ages14 and 16. And one thing I've noticed is that the time they spend with either their father or me has diminished over the years. Actually, 13 is about the time things begin to change. All of sudden there are other things to do on the weekends, like hang with their friends, go to sporting events, engage with girls. As time passes, he'll begin to separate from his dad. You must have seen this with your own children. The time your boyfriend is spending with his son right now is fleeting. With that in mind, stay focused on the bigger picture. There will come a time when his son is not interested in him, and he'll realize that it's time to focus on himself, which will include his relationship with you. If you love this guy, the ultimate gift you can give him is this special time. You're the adult - you know it will eventually even itself out, and then both of you will have a more balanced life together with all of your children. Until then, put the resentment in the closet and think bigger.
Also, six months into a relationship isn't the time to become demanding. So take a deep breath, get in shape at the gym and give your guy something worthwhile to come home to - an understanding (and shapely) girlfriend! He will love you even more and appreciate the sacrifices you've made in order to help make his relationship with his son more meaningful.
What Would Debbie Do?
Date or Divorce?
Dear Debbie,
I have been separated from my husband for seven months now, and I don't plan on getting back together with him. My question is: Before I start dating again, should I get a divorce? Or should I get involved with someone to see where it goes before I make the choice to get a divorce?
- Confused
Dear Confused,
I will answer this question quite emphatically: Never use the excuse of a better offer to help you make a decision about your current situation. Your decision to move on from your husband must have merit all by itself. And it must not be taken lightly. Testing the grass to see if it's greener is tantamount to walking down the middle of the road - you're going to get hit. A new relationship has no place as a determining factor for your divorce. As to the legal ramifications of dating without separation or divorce proceedings in place, I strongly urge you to consult a divorce attorney regarding the laws in your state.
What Would Debbie Do?
Once a Bachelor, Always a Bachelor?
Dear Debbie,
I've been dating a great guy exclusively for nearly two years. He's an established bachelor of 44 years. I am divorced with two kids at home, a 17-year-old girl and an 11-year-old boy. He says he's not ready to commit and to be put in a position of being responsible for my family. Mind you, he has been nothing but kind and generous toward them. So what's my issue? When considering that we have different long-term relationship goals, mine being a complete family unit, which he says he's not ready for, should I continue in this relationship and keep holding out for more or finally accept that this is as far as it goes with him?
- Ready for a Commitment
Dear Ready for a Commitment,
I think it's very important for you to reread your question. The sentence "he's an established bachelor of 44 years," pretty much says it all. Add to that his honesty in telling you that he's unwilling to commit and take on the responsibility that goes along with a ready-made family, and I think you have your answer.
One thing that is very important to remember is that you have goals and ideals. If being in a family unit, with a partner who accepts you and your children wholeheartedly, is paramount to you, then this guy, no matter how lovely he is, doesn't fit into your life. Many women hope that time will change these things. I say don't put your eggs into that basket. He's been forthcoming about his position. You can either accept this and realize that it will affect your goals or you can move on. There's no in-between. Staying with him, if you really want something different, will eventually cause resentment and disappointment. Don't do it to yourself or to your children. You can still date him, but if you cannot accept the ultimate outcome, it's time to look elsewhere.
What Would Debbie Do?
Paying Back my Mother
Dear Debbie,
My mother raised me pretty much by herself, balancing four jobs and at the same time being able to provide everything for me, including vacations, toys, clothes and sending me to the college of my choice. Every day I think about how much she has given me, and I wish I could give back to her. I try to limit my expenses and do well in school (which she pays for), but I wish there was something more I could do for her.
- Lily
Dear Lily,
Wow. Now that's a first.
Usually, I get letters lamenting the difficult relationship that exists between mother and daughter. There have been volumes of books written about the complicated, often tenuous dynamic that exists between women, so I'm thrilled to read about your "dilemma."
Quite frankly, though, you've already solved your problem. The mere fact that you're so appreciative, so in awe of your mother's efforts, and are actually looking for yet another way to show it, suggests that you have already given your mother the greatest gift of all. I can't imagine the pride your mother must feel knowing that her hard work has not gone unnoticed, that her sacrifices have been worth the struggle. It's the ultimate thank-you. Enough said.
What Would Debbie Do?
To Divorce or not?
Dear Debbie,
I have been married since April 2006 to a man who up and left me on Jan 2, 2008, because he said he wasn't happy anymore. I'm 52, and he is 54. He and my 14-year-old daughter never really got along, but I attributed it to the teenage thing. He did try to be a good stepfather to her; she just didn't like him. A week after he left me, he e-mailed to ask if he could come back home to my daughter and me. I said no. It turns out he has a lot of financial issues like owing money to the IRS and bad debt from before our marriage and child support. I'm afraid to take him back because of the financial picture, but I miss him. What should I do? Move on and get divorced (for the third time) or try and work it out?
--Torn
Dear Torn,
While I would like to believe that you played no role in your husband just "up and leaving" you, my guess is that you must have had some idea that there was something wrong with your marriage. And, if I'm wrong, then your husband sounds like someone who has no communication skills. Either way, you need to sit down and discuss "what happened" immediately.
Aside from his bad financial picture, what is it that you love about this guy? Is he kind and loving? Do you feel like you had a good relationship that's worth saving? Is your daughter just being a "teenager" as you suggested? Or is he inherently a bad guy? I can't make a recommendation as to whether or not you should get divorced without all of the facts--only you can do that based on your experience and your feelings. If your husband just made a mistake in leaving you due to financial stress, then maybe you should examine all the factors that brought you both to this point. And that includes your participation as well. If this is a marriage worth saving, then give it your all. It's always better to try and work things out and exhaust every possibility, before you throw in the towel.
What Would Debbie Do?
Widow Trying to Make Ends Meet
Dear Debbie,
How do I make ends meet now that I'm a widow? I went from two paychecks to one and don't know what to do. Will the government cut widows any breaks?
-- Struggling
Dear Struggling,
I'm not really sure how to answer this question, as I have no experience in the field. I would suggest that you contact Social Security and any government agency that your husband might have been involved with, e.g. the Air Force, Army, etc., to see if you are entitled to benefits from his career. Beyond that, you might need to seek alternative sources of income to make ends meet. After dealing with the loss of a loved one, dealing with financial pressures seems unfair. I hope everything works out for you.
What Would Debbie Do?
Preteen Woes
Dear Debbie,
I have an 11-year-old girl that I swear I cannot get through to. She was doing so well in school at the beginning of the year, and now her grades have slipped. I have e-mailed teachers to find out what is going on, and they all say that she is too sociable and is not paying attention to what she should be doing during school. When she gets home I have a chore chart for her but the chores rarely get done without someone telling her to do them. We have had several family meetings letting her know that she must live by the house rules, etc. She thinks I am the meanest mother in town! What to do?
-- Natalie
Dear Natalie,
Oh the woes of dealing with a preteen girl. Your daughter sounds like a dozen little girls I know, who find social activities more interesting than school work, family life and most certainly, their mother! While I could bore you with "it's normal" or "she'll grow out of it," I really want to tell you to continue what you're doing, but with a new attitude. It's not our role as parents to be liked, it's our role to set rules, parameters, and more importantly, boundaries. Consistency is the hallmark of a good parent, and continuing to enforce solid, realistic rules on our children develops young adults with a sense of right and wrong. That being said, it's time to evaluate how you're communicating with your daughter to get the necessary results that are best for her and your family.
I believe that a little reverse psychology is what's needed sometimes to get through to our kids. Hammering them with rules is one thing, communicating fair and reasonable practices is another. I think it's time you sit down with your daughter and listen to her complaints with an open mind. Show empathy to indicate you understand her plight, then figure out compromises that show you care about what's important to her. When you approach a young person from a perspective of understanding, they will often work with you. When you beat them into submission, they'll dig their heels in deep. So I say review your style of communicating, come up with something new--what you're doing now isn't working--and try again. I'm sure your rules are fair and designed to provide safety and security for your daughter, but delivery is everything. Give it another go.
What Would Debbie Do?
How do I get Away?
Dear Debbie,
My marriage is no longer a marriage but a fighting battle. My husband is miserable about everything he does. When we were first together he was on disability for the first five years and I didn't care. We moved and bought a house, and he is finally working. I work as a TA, and yes, the money isn't there but the benefits and everything else are great. He is telling me to find a new job because mine is not cutting it. Well I love what I do and it was my dream. There is more but I can't tell you because it's private. I wish I could tell you. I have a 12-year-old son, and he is mine, not his. My son is my first priority, and I want him to finish out the school year before I leave this guy. I really can't take it anymore. What should I do?
-- Trapped
Dear Trapped,
Sounds like you've already decided. Sounds like you're biding your time, and you're ready to walk out the door. My only question is this: why wait until the end of the school year when you seem to be at the end of your rope? Your hint at "private" details, which I assume are incriminating, suggests you are enduring quite a hardship. If this is an abusive situation (I hardly could know) you must seek shelter immediately. And if you know instinctively that there is no repair to the situation, the quicker you move on, the better for you, and your son. Be strong. I wish you the best.
What Would Debbie Do?
Baby, Maybe?
Dear Debbie,
My husband and I have decided to try to have another baby. He brought up the conversation first. I recently went off birth control and since then, we've been having less sex. Has he changed his mind and is just afraid to tell me or am I thinking about this too much, or are we just in a "dry spell" right now?
--Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Let me guess: you've got the fertility calendar highlighted; you've text messaged your husband the exact days that are ideal to conceive, and the candles are lit -- bad move! Unfortunately, guys don't work that way. Tell a guy when he should perform, and he'll shut down on you. You tell him the timing is right, and he'll say he hasn't got the time. Bottom line is this: sex for men is an activity; it's not designed for a purpose other than pleasure.
Here's my advice: have sex to have great sex. Don't bother telling your guy that you're ovulating and the time is right unless you want to kill the moment. He won't know the difference. Just create the mood, have at it and enjoy! Hopefully, you'll be pregnant in no time.
What Would Debbie Do?
Give Him Another Chance or Start Over?
Dear Debbie,
I've been separated from my husband since April 2007. He was a heavy drinker. Now he is getting help and wants to get back what he has lost through the years. He has been sober for almost six months, but I don't know if I want to mend all I went through for 13 years. I have great friends now, and my kids are getting back on track. Before he was very controlling, and I've come to really love my freedom. Also there's a man that I'm very interested in, but right now we are just good friends. A friend of his said if we have any hope, my husband has to be out of the picture (not as a father, but just with me). I don't know what to do. Do I give my husband another chance or start off fresh?
-- Nikki
Dear Nikki,
Sounds like you've been through a lot, and you're finally getting your life on back on track. Yet, there's still unfinished business with your husband. Now's the time for some serious introspection and soul-searching.
You need to figure out if the door is completely closed with your husband before you move on. You must examine your feelings for him objectively, and weigh the options of keeping your family together for the right reasons, versus beginning anew. Right now, your "freedom" appears to be enticing, but sometimes we run from the difficult tasks in front of us, simply because they feel daunting, or we believe the grass might be greener. It's not always that simple.
I am concerned that your friend's comment about you being rid of your husband before anything new begins with this new guy is clouding your judgment. It appears that you don't want to miss this opportunity. However, it's really not a sound reason to move on. It makes me wonder if you're throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I understand the inherent difficulties of dealing with an alcoholic. It takes many years to turn things around and remain sober. But don't begin a new relationship until you are certain the old one is over. Even then, there's so much of a trickle-down effect in separating a family, particularly after a tumultuous time. The transition will most certainly impact your new relationship in ways you cannot know or even anticipate. So give yourself time to put things in order with your husband first. If you decide to close that door, proceed judiciously with your new life. If this new guy is the "one," he'll wait until the time is right for you and your family.
What Would Debbie Do?
Lack of Intimacy
Dear Debbie,
Since the birth of our daughter, 21 years ago, my husband and I have not been intimate. We have both been busy and exhausted. We still love each other. About three years ago, he got erectile dysfunction due to diabetes. He tried some medication, but it's not helping him. He has made no attempts to remedy the situation, and when I bring up the subject, he just remains silent. I know he has activities with other women and he likes to watch porno movies on TV. What is a wife to do?
-- Dutiful Wife
Dear Dutiful Wife,
OK...let me get this straight: you haven't been intimate in 21 years because you've been busy and exhausted? Excuse me?!? And now your husband has a medical issue that is getting in the way of your intimacy (or lack thereof), but you acknowledge he has "activities" with other women?
Sounds like you've accepted that your husband is cheating on you. And it also sounds like you've participated in the lack of intimacy throughout the years. What are you to do? How about starting with a frank discussion with your husband about the state of your relationship and how it's become so unbalanced. Are you willing to live with a cheating husband who wants nothing to do with you? Because it sounds like his lack of interest has nothing to do with his ED if he is engaging other women right under your nose. You deserve better than this. Figure out what you want from this relationship...this situation is wholly unacceptable.
What Would Debbie Do?
The X factor
Dear Debbie,
I recently became engaged to my boyfriend of 13 years. I waited for so long and went through many life issues, almost living as a married couple. One month after the engagement, a high school sweetheart from the past contacted me. He has expressed apologies, love and devotion to me and wants to be with me forever. I never realized these things to be true and was under a completely different assumption (he has been looking for me for 17 years). Help? I find myself torn after seeing and communicating with him and have even contacted friends and a therapist for advice.
-- Les
Dear Les,
Thirteen years is a long time to wait. My guess is there's more to the story than you can convey in a short space. I think your high school sweetie's return to your life is just a sign that all is not well with your current relationship. And, the fact that you're asking friends, a therapist -- even me -- for advice also suggests that you're unsure of your decision to marry your 13-year guy. I can't say that I blame you. However, I will caution you that the sweetheart is probably not the fix, at least not now. There's no telling that all would be perfect if the two of you got together, so don't exchange one guy for the other. Make a decision about your fiancé based on the years of experience you already have with him. If he's the one, marry him. If you have doubts, now's the time to exit stage right. Your sweetheart should not play a role in that decision.
Trust your instincts. I sense they're probably right on track. Tell your fiancé you need time to figure out if you're making the right decision. And then do some serious soul- searching. It's not about the sweetheart...it's about you and your fiancé. Start there. Once you clear that up, all will make sense. I know it must feel scary after all these years, but you must make the hard decisions now, before it's too late. Good luck.
What Would Debbie Do?
Tormenting Sister
Dear Debbie,
My older sister keeps sending me hateful e-mails. She is blaming me for all of her problems. So far I have received four of them. They are all very long. I let the first three go, but this last one was awful. I told her off. She is causing her own problems but likes to blame everyone else. What should I do?
--Beth
Dear Beth,
I'm sure there's a ton of history between you and your sister that's layered with hurt, pain and more. I can't possibly imagine the breadth of it. What I do know is that when people are angry, it's because they're hurt. And the best way to deal with a hurt person is to empathize and listen. Defending any of her awful statements will get you nowhere. She's obviously sad and distraught.
I would send her an e-mail that states how sorry you are that she feels so bad. Do not defend any of her accusations, but let her know that you've heard all of them. Then, I would offer her an olive branch to try and repair your relationship because it's important to you, and then tell her that you love her. A new relationship requires forgiveness and compassion. Tell her that if she's willing to do that, and not stay focused on the past, then you're willing to open your arms and begin anew. Hopefully, she'll realize that her rants are getting her nowhere, and she'll try a new approach. But if all she can offer is vitriol, then there's no place for her in your life, until she becomes more productive. You might not ever agree on the issues, but if you have respect, compassion and understanding, you can peacefully coexist.
Also remember this: life is short. And family means everything. Do all you can to create some peace both for yourself, for your sister and for your own family. I promise you'll sleep better at night.
What Would Debbie Do?
Will dating affect my daughter?
Dear Debbie,
I've been divorced for about six months and have a 10-year-old daughter. I'm really lonely all the
time, especially since she's become more social, having sleepovers with her friends on the
weekend. I want to start dating again, but I'm not quite sure about timing. Do I tell her right away
that Mommy is going on a date? Or that I'm going to be out with a special friend? Is there a
certain number of dates I should wait before I introduce a man to my daughter? On the other
hand, when do I have to tell a guy that I have a kid. Couldn't it be a turn off right away? I feel like
I'd have to charm him first, and then be completely truthful. Help! I want to get back out there- it's
not fair to tell my daughter she has to hang out with mommy on a Saturday night when she
should be socializing with girls her own age.
- Natasha
Dear Natasha,
Clearly, you've got a lot on your mind. Let's start with timing and telling your daughter what you're
doing: It's important for you to begin dating when you're ready. There's a difference between
dating to occupy your time, and being emotionally available for someone new. Sounds like you're
lonely, so I suggest you date discreetly, as I can assure you there will be lots of frogs to kiss and
not many princes on the first go-round. I'm a firm believer that your children, not to mention your
family and friends, don't need to know the details of your private life. You will make mistakes. And
trust me, you'll regret that you played it out for everyone to see. Therefore, it is my advice NOT to
tell your daughter about new men, OR introduce her to anyone too quickly. She's still young and
impressionable. As a young girl, there are many emotions that could prove tricky for you to
navigate for a guy who might not be "the one." Plus, any guy worth the effort will wait until the
time is right.
As to when you should tell a guy you have a daughter, well, I'm concerned that you would even ask the question. Hiding the most important person in your life because you think it might be a turn off is telling me that your willingness to please far exceeds your better judgment. I'm sure your daughter is a source of pride. Therefore, you should make it clear from the beginning that she's an important priority in your life. Any man who is "turned off" by that notion is not good for you or for your daughter. Be honest from the start.
Are you lonely because your daughter is gone a lot, or are you lonely because you want a boyfriend? Your decision to date should not be contingent on your daughter's social life or boredom for that matter. Figure out your motivation. Dating can be tricky. Don't bring that dynamic into both of your lives until you're ready to deal with everything that comes with it. Including disappointment, great effort, being distracted, compromise, heartbreak, and then some.
What Would Debbie Do?
Aching to be engaged
Dear Debbie,
I really want to be engaged to my boyfriend. I love him so much and can't see myself spending
the rest of my life with anyone else. He says he wants to be engaged too, but that he's saving
money for a nice engagement ring. I told him I'd take any ring, even one from the 25-cent
machine at the movie theater, and he can keep saving his money for a diamond at a later point.
You see, it's not a shiny rock I want, it's him! I also don't want him to blow all his hard-earned
cash on a ring right now when he's got a mortgage and a car payment to make. Do you think he
could be using the "no money for a ring" excuse to avoid getting engaged? I told him I don't care
about the ring, so what else could it be?
- Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I can tell from the tone of your question that you really want to be engaged. So much so, that I
think you're missing the point. Sounds like your boyfriend is a traditionalist---the kind that wants to
get on one knee and ask you to marry him with all the proper things in place. My kind of guy.
Don't mess it up by telling him how to do it. This is one of the most important decisions a man will
make in his life. Don't try to control or dictate how he should do it. Plus, if you keep badgering
him, you just might ruin it. Give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not side-stepping the
commitment issue by using a "no money for a ring" excuse. I assume you wouldn't want to marry
him unless he was trustworthy, loyal and committed. I say let the process proceed at his pace,
without any more interference from you. Don't take that away from him-it's slightly emasculating.
This is his show; let him perform it the way he sees fit.
What Would Debbie Do?
How do I choose the right school for my child?
Dear Debbie,
My son is entering kindergarten, and I'm having a difficult time picking the
right school. All of my friends are whipped into a frenzy about getting their kid into the
"right" school and are pressuring my husband and me to choose a school that is
"acceptable." I, on the other hand, am very interested in going in a different direction, and
I'd like to send my child to an alternative school. Everyone thinks I'm crazy. What next?
- Chris
Dear Chris,
I just got this exact question from a good friend of mine, who is younger than me, so I am
prepared with the answer! I had the same experience. "Everyone" said if I put my boys
into an alternative school they would "never" get into the proper middle school or high
school. Well guess what? I did, and they did too!
I think parents in general like to follow each other in important decisions relating to their children. And when one of the group deviates from the trends, it's unsettling to them. You wanting to go in a different direction probably makes them question if what they're doing is right. Trust your instincts and focus on the needs of your child. Choose a school that fits him well. It's only kindergarten and grade school, not college! Both of my boys waltzed effortlessly into the premier prep school when they were ready to go to middle school, from a Montessori school, so I have two examples of success. Decide for your family--not your friends!!
What Would Debbie Do?
Help, work is taking over my personal life
Dear Debbie,
I'm 30 years old, have been working on my career and recently realized
that my personal life is nothing to be desired. I spend so much time working that I've
alienated my boyfriend, my girlfriends and my family. The pressure has become
overwhelming. I feel like I'm at a fork in the road. Any suggestions?
- Lori
Dear Lori,
There are times in a woman's life when she has to take note of the changes and pressures
in her world. These moments come at different times, for different reasons. Considering
you're experiencing one now, it's time to evaluate just what's driving it, and what to do
about it.
I think we all have an innate voice that tells us when things are right or wrong. Sometimes the voice is loud, and we can't ignore it. If this is true for you, it's time to ask some serious questions of yourself. Are you trying to please too many people? Are you working so hard to avoid personal interaction? Are you scared of what comes next? If you take out the pressure of your family and friends, what does your voice tell you? Are you centered and happy? Or, are you running from yourself because you don't know what to do? These are the fundamental stepping stones of life--the things that push us to be our better selves and achieve the goals we are capable of.
My advice is to delve deep into yourself for a while and answer the nagging questions. This can be an illuminating time. However, if you capitulate to all those around you, you'll never know who's driving who. Now's the time to find out what you're made of, and then forge a path and live up to your potential, as a person, as a partner, as a daughter, as a friend.
What Would Debbie Do?
What to do about a cheating husband?
Dear Debbie,
I just found out my husband is cheating on me. I am so torn apart and angry at him,
I don't know what to do. Please help.
- Cindy
Dear Cindy,
The betrayal of an affair is a devastating thing. Right now, I'm sure you are experiencing
a range of emotions that can turn on a dime when triggered. You'll undoubtedly go from
wanting him to make it right, to wanting to kick him out of the house. Here are some
important things to remember:
For starters, an affair is most often a symptom of a bigger problem. Unless your husband is a philanderer at heart (I'm sure you would have known this before you married him), chances are there have been some changes in your marriage such as the level of intimacy, his business or something traumatic like the death of a loved one. People often behave in ways that are hard to explain. So while you're mad that he has betrayed you, the focus shouldn't be on that (or the other women, for that matter), it should be on what happened in your relationship that caused this breach of trust.
This is a very difficult and introspective process because it requires you take a good look at yourself, your role in the marriage and how you both got to this place. It's easy to just focus on his mistake and be angry or righteous, but I can assure you that you'll never get anywhere if you do. Go to your husband. Ask him what happened. And then listen without being defensive. He's going to tell you things that are difficult to hear, and you need to listen with an open heart. You may not agree with anything he says, but if you want to fix the situation, you're going to have to try to understand from his perspective. Only then can the healing begin; and you can try and rebuild trust based on honest communication.
In the meantime, just know that the waves of pain will be constant, and the anger will be overwhelming. Try venting to a close friend instead of with your husband. It becomes so difficult to move forward when you're constantly beating him up for his mistake. It becomes a vicious cycle.
I wish you well. It's never easy to rebuild trust or mend a broken heart. It can be done, but it takes hard work and perseverance. If your marriage is worth saving, I say give it your all, and try to put this behind you. In time, the wounds will heal, and hopefully, you'll reach a deeper level of intimacy than before. Good luck.