lex on sex

What is sex to you? Casual fun? A relationship building block? A great solo activity? An obligation? Sex is so many things to any one of us, so of course you've got questions. Right here, you can find the answers to the intimacy questions you don't know how to ask your doctor, your friends, or your paramour—at least not with a straight face.

I started talking about sex with my friends, who noticed I'm not squeamish about sex talk and can speak frankly about things that others find too freaky or are too uncomfortable to talk about. The more I talk about it, the more interesting it is to me. Now I'm tackling a World Wide Web's worth of freaky and uncomfortable sex questions. I love hearing where other people are coming from and what they are doing with it. I've got outspoken opinions and want to get you talking about one of my favorite topics: sex!

Kisses,

Lex

Disclaimer: This website is for entertainment purposes only. The opinions expressed on this website are the views of individual writers and internet users and are not necessarily the views of BettyConfidential.com and/or Desha Productions, Inc. The content on this website is not a substitute for medical, psychiatric, or any other health services, and any individual requiring the care or supervision of a health care professional should seek professional assistance immediately.

Lex on Sex

Why do I Always Have to Initiate sex?

Dear Lex:

I truly love and am wildly attracted to my husband of many years. Yes, I am confident he loves me equally. Our life is great in many ways - blah,blah,blah. Yet, I am always the one to initiate lovemaking - often having my advances rebuffed. Sometimes, I'd be quite content with a passionate kiss that he initiates, but no. I'm sad and tired of having day and night dreams that involve other men - celebs, real people I know - and I'm frankly saddened by finding myself standing close to attractive men, imagining kissing them, holding them. And, even though it is making love with someone I care for - I stink at masturbation. I feel as if some of my best parts are going to waste. Help. (And, I don't really WANT to pursue romance outside of my marriage - as I wrote, I'm in this and love, love, love my husband and our life together...this is the bruise on the apple...nothing else).

--Bruised Apple

Dear Bruised Apple,

So, to recap: you are in this grrrrrrrrreat marriage where: you find yourself fantasizing about every other good looking guy in your universe; where you receive little to no passion; where you are sad; and where parts of you are going to waste.

Ask yourself this: Every intimate relationship goes through their passionate low points; is this just one of those times? If yes, wait it out, these things are cyclical. If no; follow up question: if everything outside of the sex department is great, then, how is your husband more than a great roommate? This isn't knocking great roommates, they are lifesavers, but splitting household responsibilities does not create the intimacy that sustains a marriage; and it leaves you awfully lonely in bed.

If this is hitting close to your home, you have to recognize the weight of your rose-colored glasses. Wake up. Take a look around and start recognizing that there is a problem in your marriage instead of ignoring and minimizing it. Here's some truth: sex doesn't just dry up when everything else in a relationship is grrrrrrreat. Something is going on that is coming between your husband's passion and your "best parts." What I can't help you with from over here is what needs fixin'.

Every Tom and Harry Dick who gives sex advice espouses that the most important sex organ is the brain. You have to start here. What's changed since your husband was last spontaneously passionate? Is it stress, an illness, a rift that has gone un-discussed? Find the elephant in the room and sort some things out. Start with acknowledging the waning passion and getting him to brainstorm with you. Find out what his side is. Get some professional help if need be. Don't shrink from potentially tough conversations, and for goodness sakes, stop minimizing and rationalizing. Do it, because once you get your minds reconnected, you will go on to reconnect other things.

Lex on Sex

Thoughts on a Threesome?

Dear Lex,

My husband keeps bringing up having a threesome and finding a woman to join us. We've never done anything like this before. I'm not sure about it. Is this too kinky? What if he likes her a little too much? The jealousy would kill me. What if I like her a little too much? Would he get jealous, too, or just more turned on? I don't even know where to start looking for her. Is it better to just leave it alone or am I missing out on something?

--Threesome Gal

Hey Threesome Gal,

So many questions, where to start! Let's start with: is it too kinky? Well, I don't think that the Pope would approve, but I can't imagine he's invited. So, too kinky for whom? As long as it's OK with all three of you and you are all 1) sound-minded, 2) consenting 3) adults, who am I to judge? And if you are already contemplating where to find your third I have to imagine that it's not too kinky for you. To address that question: many cities have bars with "alternative lifestyle nights", Craigslist, your local City Pages/City Paper... It's not hard to find if you start looking.

Jealousy is a whole other can of worms. It's an issue you will always chance when including someone else in your relationship's physical intimacy. If the jealousy could "kill" you, then you need to think long and hard about how secure you feel in your marriage. Are you OK with seeing your husband, mind and body, however briefly, absorbed in another woman? Are you OK with him watching you doing the same? Be truthful with yourself and then with him.

I can think of a handful of couples I know who are "of the lifestyle," and they are secure and happy in their relationships. These activities are not for everyone, and experimenting is the downfall of many, many relationships due to the very fears you bring up. What I think makes the difference in the happy swingers is a mutually understood distinction between physical and emotional intimacy. They have clear ground rules about what's OK and what's off limits. They communicate and believe that at the end of the night that it was just good fun but their hearts still belong to each other. And they really, really trust one another. It works for some people, but it's nowhere near typical. Before you test your marriage this way, think long and hard about how you will feel about it and your husband the next morning. And if you conclude that this is your flavor, please, use every contraceptive you can get your hands on and still use Saran Wrap as back-up barriers. Be safe.

Lex on Sex

Grooming "Down There"

Dear Lex,

How do men like things to look "down there?" I know that some women trim-up, some wax in places, and some go for the full, bare, kitty-cat wax. I'm a little at a loss for what to do. I'm not married or in a relationship so it's not like I can ask my guy what looks good.

--Anonymous

Would it be wrong to call you Kitty? I love your Brazilian Wax euphemism!

Dear Kitty,

Well, it's swimsuit season so you will probably want to do something to keep your short hairs tidy and bikini worthy. But what to do... It's kind of like asking how all women feel about men's facial hair. It's hard to generalize how every woman feels about every guy's face. That being said, a small focus group of guys I canvassed agreed that as long as you are doing some regular maintenance, most guys will be pleased. There may come along the guy who has special requests, and you will just have to take them as they, errrr... come. If he's worth it, you'll try something new. Most of the guys agreed that going/staying natural was not as desirable. They each seemed to have stories of "that girl" who surprised them with generous amounts of unkempt pubes, and at the telling the others guys emitted knowing groans of empathy.

Really, it's all about what regime you are willing to commit to. It's like getting your longer hair colored, though. Once you start you should to keep it up, or don't bother. It grows back too fast to do it only once and hope to make a difference. There are so many options, the old fashioned razor and scissors, trimmers, depilatory creams, waxing, even electrolysis. Figure out what you can afford in time and budget and then, keep it up and keep it tight.

Lex on Sex

He Just Quit Wanting to Have sex

Dear Lex,

My husband and I got married at age 25 (both of us). The first year the sex was great. Then he just quit! His idea of an active sex life was twice a year! Now, it wasn't too bad until I started hitting my "prime"... then it caused trouble. I'm past that now, but would still like more than that. I've tried everything; sexy talk, sexy clothing, smells, anything I can think of. It makes me feel cheap to always have to beg for it! He is in very good health so there's no problem there. Ideas would be appreciated.

--Prime

Dear Prime,

In your list of everything you've tried you didn't mention talking to him. What is he saying about his diminished sex drive? Second point: have you been brutally honest with yourself about whether or not there is an emotional reason for the lack of physical intimacy? If you can rule out a lack of nonsexual intimacy then you may want to look into seeking out a sexual specialist. We have all seen our fill of ED treatment commercials. If I hear the "Viva Viagra" jingle one more time I might have to give my TV the Elvis treatment. The thing is that there are other sexual dysfunctions; they are just not a pill away from resolution. THIS IS BY NO MEANS A DIAGNOSIS; you have to visit a specialist to rule out any number of things. But, for sure, being in good physical health does not exclude there still being something to diagnose.

The treatments for these types of disorders involve counseling and lots of relationship work. Some of the treatment's focus will be on the nonsexual intimacy but some of the work will be between the sheets getting you some of the attention you've been waiting for.

Lex on Sex

Sex is his Solution

Dear Lex,

My husband's solution to almost everything is making love. When I'm sad, he suggests making love. If I say I'm feeling chubby, he gets extra-affectionate. At those times, I couldn't feel less sexy, desirable or in need of sex. I don't want to have sex, but I also hate rebuffing my dear husband. What do I do?

- Not Feeling It

Dear Not Feeling It,

Well, there's a great insight into your husband - sex is his pick-me-up. It's kind of sweet that he's trying to help with sharing himself in physically intimate ways, and he isn't that far off. Our biology gifts us with pleasurable, hopefully amazing sex. If you feel like you can rally, it's not a bad way to an instant mood change, and it's all-natural. However, we know that sex isn't always the answer. If you can't keep your mind from hovering around your angst during sex, the nookie isn't going to be good for either of you. It's not worth forcing yourself into bed in hopes of feeling better.

So, have you ever discussed with your husband what you prefer as a pick-me-up? You are being emotionally intimate whenever you are exposing your feelings. What kind of intimate response do you desire at those times?

It's great that you are aware of why you are feeling crappy at your low times. Now, can you push it to the next step and put your finger on what will make you feel better? Do you want to talk about it and get it off of your chest? Or would you rather go for a run, to get your endorphins pumped another way and to get your mind off it? Or, my favorite - a sugar rush from chocolate-chip cookie dough! If you keep turning to your hubby in your times of need and he doesn't know what you want, he'll just keep going for what he knows feels good: sex! So let him know explicitly what you want. Ask him to hear you out, to just listen; say that you need help finding your running shoes; or even ask him to do the running (out to the bodega for Pillsbury's finest!).

The intimacy you gain in trusting him with your needs and sharing that part of yourself will probably benefit both of you, making the subsequent sex all the better!

Lex on Sex

Antidepressants Depressing sex Life

Dear Lex,

My husband started on antidepressants a few months ago. He's doing remarkably better, but our sex life has yet to snap back. I'm beginning to really miss our physical intimacy. What can I do?

- Left Wanting

Dear Left,

Obviously, the overall health of your husband is the most important thing. It's great that he's getting good care for his depression and has found relief. You should know that finding the right antidepressant for each person's chemistry is not an exact science, and it can be a slow process.

The thing about depression and many of the drugs that treat it, is that they both commonly deep-six one's libido. There is hope for your sex life, though. Your husband needs to talk to his doctor about this side effect of his meds. In many cases, an additional medication can be prescribed to help boost the libido. There are also many antidepressants that claim to not affect sex drive. Again, these are all questions that your husband's doctor can answer.

As for what you can do: The absolute best thing you can do is to communicate with your husband. Have you talked to him about your need for physical intimacy? Now that he is out of the woods, it is understandable that you see to some of your needs. Many a caring and loving wife has offered alternatives to standard intercourse, and you could request the same from him.

Is your husband seeing a therapist or a counselor as a part of his depression treatment? If so, he or she may be another resource for you. Ask if you can attend a session with him. There you can explore your desires and expectations in the safe, non-sexually charged space of therapy. If he isn't in therapy, I suggest finding a couples' therapist. Best of luck!

Lex on Sex

His Masturbating is Insulting me

Dear Lex,

I've been married for six months. In that time I've caught my husband masturbating four times. I don't understand why he needs to do that. It's insulting. It also makes me feel like he's cheating on me, but with himself rather than with another woman. He swears that he is happy with our sex life and promises to cut out masturbation, but I'm starting to not believe or trust him. What can I do?

- Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

I, too, am disappointed with your husband. Not because he is masturbating but because he isn't communicating his very real needs. Many healthy men masturbate.

The typical guy has a much, much higher sex drive than the typical woman. Talking averages and stereotypes, guys think about sex like women want to shop, read about celebrity gossip and eat chocolate, combined. The desire and drive run strong and steady. The problem with guys wanting sex, like we want new shoes, is the great shame that we tend to associate with having a libido. We are taught that sex is dirty and that if we have sexual urges, they are evil. Shame can be as powerful as that sex drive. It makes sex, sexual urges and activities uncomfortable to talk about, even between spouses.

Just for a moment, try to suspend the shame you associate with sex. Imagine that your husband just wants to splurge on something pleasurable. This is what he is doing when he is masturbating. It has nothing to do with you, and it isn't cheating. He's just getting off. It's the same thing you do when you reach for that brownie, or when you find it in your budget to buy that handbag. And you'd rather that he wasn't standing around watching you do it, right? He is giving himself some harmless pleasure. I mean that: It's harmless. All those myths of hairy palms and crossed eyes were debunked about 40 years ago.

Truly, if I were to point a finger at what is askew in your marriage, it wouldn't be at his active sex drive. I worry for you guys because your marriage has created an environment in which your husband is lying to you about what he is doing and what he wants. It's not one person's fault or the other's; it's something both of you let happen and something both of you need to work on to repair. This repair is totally possible, so get to work on it! Because, for the record, I seriously doubt that your husband is going to stop masturbating. He's just going to get better at hiding it from you.

Lex on Sex

Help, I'm Fantasizing about Other Men!

Dear Lex,

I've found myself fantasizing about men other than my husband. In my naughtiest moments, I am wondering what is rubbing against the inside of that UPS uniform and how it would feel under my fingers. I've been melting when I see men in uniform, especially crisp naval whites. I work near a naval station and can't believe how much I look forward to the eye candy on the way in! I'm not about to cheat on my great hubby, but do you think my wandering eye is a problem?

- Melting

Dear Melting,

I'm assuming that you are drawn in by what the uniform does for a man. That is definitely not a problem. It is a clue to how you can add spice to your sex life with your great hubby. Lucky you: You work near a naval station, so you probably also live or work near a military-surplus shop.

Talk to your husband and tell him that you'd like to add role-playing to your sexual repertoire. Tell him how attractive you find certain uniforms and that you'd like him to try some on for you. If he is up for it, hit the surplus stores with him and start shopping! Fill in the details of your fantasies for him and count him as a lucky - and great - hubby. Own your fantasy and let him know what you want him to do. Tell him that you would love to talk about trying one of his fantasies next; after all, you need to give a little to get a little.

You may be surprised at the spark and fun the two of you can have, knowing you are pleasing one another. There is also a certain amount of freedom to be had with trying on different personas with your spouse. You may be trying exciting things that you didn't know you had the courage to ask for. As long as both of you are comfortable, don't be afraid to explore your desires together. The key is that you are doing it together as a partnership and giving each other honest feedback. Role-playing and, for that matter, certain fantasies are not for everyone. The key to being able to enjoy fantasies is being able to trust your partner to not laugh or abuse the situation or the relationship. Be very clear about what type of roles and play you are comfortable with.

If he is not interested, he does not have to know that you are visualizing him in uniform when you are in bed together. As long as the act has your love and affection at its core, you are on the positive side of the ethical gray area. Have fun!