just another manic mommy

As moms or moms-to-be, we've all been in situations where we didn't know how to act, or how to react, what to say, or what to do. Stephanie Elliot is a self-proclaimed humorist and expert on the subject of parenting and pregnancy. In a three-and-a-half year time frame, she spent approximately 150 weeks attempting conception, gestating, laboring, delivering, recovering from one C-section, coming out of a 'birthing coma', doing it all over again (the second time vaginally), and then a third time, just for the heck of it. And now she's raising those three kids to the best of her abilities.

Stephanie hopes her insight will make you laugh, or at least help you feel a little less stressed as you navigate your way through the challenges you face day-to-day. So, ask away—on any parenting or pregnancy topic—and she'll tell it like it is, with wit and wisdom, snark and soul, Manic Mommy style!

Manic Mommy tries to answer all of your questions within 14 days.

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Just Another Manic Mommy

Tantrum Throw down

Dear Manic Mommy: At what age do tantrums stop - or should they stop? My son is nearing 5 and I see no sign of them disappearing.

Manic Mommy: I'm not sure if tantrums ever entirely stop. I occasionally have one where I'll slam some doors, race up the stairs and scream at my kids, "I'M GIVING MYSELF A TIME-OUT!" Then I throw myself onto my bed. And I'm 39.

But ideally by the age of 3 or 4, I'd say, tantrums should be winding down and not be a regular occurrence. Most tantrums stem from a baby or toddler being unable to communicate how he's feeling or what's wrong. When a child is at an age where he can't communicate his feelings and is having a tantrum, it's obvious that he's not getting his way, and he's most likely over-exhausted, hungry, over-stimulated, angry and frustrated, but he just can't tell you what's wrong.

At the age of 5, though, your son should be able to articulate his feelings and tell you what's bothering him and why he's upset, and he should be able to do so verbally, without throwing a tantrum or making a scene. I'd say (and please remember I am not a doctor, nor have I ever played one on a soap opera or a Web site) if he's having regular tantrums without any of the obvious reasons I've brought up, it may be time to discuss the situation with your pediatrician.

Of course, throwing yourself onto the ground, flailing your arms all over the place and screaming like a seagull that hasn't eaten in a week might just make him realize how silly he looks, and that could do the trick too. Not that I've ever attempted that. It's just something I've heard about. Really. Okay, my mother did it once. Maybe.

Just Another Manic Mommy

Who's Teaching These Kids What?

Dear Manic Mommy: Help for a childless auntie! I have a 5-and-a-half-year-old nephew, an almost 3-year-old niece and another newborn nephew. My relationship with my brother has been contentious for years, and we're just now reconnecting. I'd like to see my nephews and niece more often, but I'm appalled by my brother's and his wife's parenting style. They think it's funny when the older boy steals money from his mother's purse. My sister-in-law maintains he's "saving it for her." They also told me, while laughing, that he accepts money from other students at school, where he tells them he is poor (his parents own two houses, a travel trailer and a business). He also has begun to use racial epithets, learned from his parents. What's the etiquette for when I visit them? I'd like to get to know the kids, but I won't tolerate that behavior. Can I enforce my own rules for them in my house without confusing the kids or undermining my brother and sister-in-law's ... um ... authority?

Manic Mommy: Yikes. Sometimes these questions and situations just stump me! With all due respect, I don't understand how parents can raise their children like this. So I'm definitely seeing your concern. It's almost like they are condoning thievery, trickery and racism.

I'd say that when you visit them you should speak your mind, but carefully and cautiously. If your nephew says something derogatory, just say, "Oh, that's not a nice word," or, "That's inappropriate." Keep it short, but try to make your point with subtle hints.

I'm guessing you can't really have a heart-to-heart talk with your brother, since you're just now reconnecting. Take things slow, keep an eye on the situation and stay watchful. And I'm not joking when I say watch your wallet during your visits as well.

If they're visiting your house, I'd say they should follow your rules, all the way, as you enforce them. If your brother doesn't agree, he'll either let you know or stop the visits, which will be unfortunate because all you want to do is have a good relationship with your niece and nephews. And to me it sounds like they could use a good role model like you! Lots of luck to you!

Just Another Manic Mommy

They're Dissin' my Kids!

Dear Manic Mommy: I have two sons, identical twins who are 6 years old. They have best friends who are girls, but now the girls are starting to ignore my boys and are playing with other girls. My sons do have friends who are boys, but they get very hurt when the girls don't want to play with them. It's hard to explain this to them, and they still ask to play with the girls and still get turned away. I can't stand to see my sons be hurt in any way. They play baseball and some of the boys are a little wild and rough and call one of my sons names. Nothing nasty, but not nice. I feel like moving away! Any advice?

Manic Mommy: First of all, if I moved away every time my kids got dissed by their friends, I would be a nomad, with no place to call home! So please tell me you're not seriously considering moving away just because your sons' playmates would rather play with girls now. It's natural for girls at this age to gravitate to other girls, and truthfully it's even totally normal for them to think boys are yucky or gross, I'm sorry to say.

I'm sure your boys are hurt, and that's hard on any parent, but what you have to do is reach out to other parents who have children who have the same interests as your sons. And find nice kids! They don't have to play with the wild, rough ones! When my kids have a problem with a friend, I let them know there are about 20 kids in our neighborhood and 20 more they know through school and that I'll be happy to set them up with a play date if they're currently having a friendship problem. I don't expect them to pine away or hold out for just one or two friends until those friends decide they want to be nice to my kids. That gets boring and old!

And as for the girls who no longer feel like playing with your sons, check back with me in about another six or seven years. I'll bet you the girls will be hanging out at the end of your driveway, watching your boys shoot hoops without their shirts on. It'll happen. I assure you. And that's when your boys will want nothing to do with the girls. Payback is sweet, isn't it?

Just Another Manic Mommy

Perfect Problem?

Dear Manic Mommy: My son behaves almost perfectly for my husband, but not for me. I am consistent with him, but it doesn't seem to help. Do you have any tips?

Manic Mommy: This is a tough question because it's a little vague. You say you're consistent. And also you say your son behaves "almost perfectly" for your husband. Sounds a lot like how I perceive my family. I feel I am fairly consistent with my kids, yet admittedly I am more of the enabler in the family, so I will threaten and then back down, while my husband says what he means and means what he says. Basically I'm a pushover, a softie, really, really nice. And sometimes I don't like that about my parenting personality. Could this be part of your family's problem?

Do you say something but not stand behind it 100 percent? Or is it just that your son behaves differently for your husband than for you? Another factor is that I don't know your son's age. If he's younger than 4 or 5, I'd say his behavior can be easily adjusted. If he's older, he may already be able to manipulate his way to get what he wants and his behavior is already a habit.

Regardless you and your husband should take a united front and figure out a joint way to consistently discipline and reward. This will help your son to understand what is expected of him and how he needs to behave for both of you.

Just Another Manic Mommy

My Child is Hyperactive!

Dear Manic Mommy: I have a 4-year-old daughter who is beyond hyper and does not like to sleep or nap. I have talked to her doctors, and they told me it's just a phase and that, once in a while, a little Benadryl will calm her down when she is extremely hyper. I have tried time-outs, sitting her on the naughty step, taking away her toys and anything that has to do with fun, but she's still hyper. She can't sit still for more than a minute. She jumps on my back and plays with everything. I can't even use the restroom without fearing that she'll destroy something or make a phone call. (I am not going to get into her making an international call in an attempt to talk to her cousins in another state.) That one blew my lid. Anyway, can you please suggest what I can do to calm my child down so that I can enjoy being around her? Thanks!

Manic Mommy: I think every child displays some sort of hyperactivity at some point, but what you're describing sounds like it is constant and exhausting! I'm sorry for that. Does your daughter ever slow down? Does she ever do quiet activities? Does she enjoy coloring, watching TV, doing puzzles or playing by herself? If you answer no to all of these questions, then I think that maybe there's more to this.

Could she be vying for your attention? I'm assuming she's an only child. It seems like there might be some other factors missing here. Are there other things causing her to act this way? Do you work outside of the home, and does she have very little time with you? Perhaps when you're together, she just wants to be around you. Or are you home with her all day long and this is just how she acts? These are some of the questions that need to be answered. I would say if you're gone most of the time (at a full-time job while she's in day care, maybe?), and this is how she acts when you are together, then she is just craving your attention.

Aside from the long-distance phone call, what else has she done to warrant the time-outs, the naughty step and other punishments? Are you punishing her just because she is being hyper and cannot sit still? I think you have to take into consideration the reasons that you are punishing her as well.

Look around and try to see things through her eyes. Have things recently changed for her, such as a big move or a new family situation? Is something new happening in your life that might be affecting her in a different way? Something scary in a 4-year-old's life might not seem scary to an adult. I don't know the whole scenario, so it's difficult for me to gauge what's going on, but I wonder if she is just searching for attention.

I hate to say that she will probably outgrow it, because I certainly know that is not what you need to hear. If your doctors are telling you it's just a phase, but you're not buying it, you are her mother, and I am a firm believer in Mother's Instincts so go with your gut judgment and if you feel the need for further treatment, if I were you, I would ask your doctor to recommend a specialist for your daughter. Good luck!

Just Another Manic Mommy

Big Mouth Mommies?

Dear Manic Mommy: How do you handle bragging parents? I have a 22-month-old, and some of my friends talk nonstop about how advanced their children are. I am happy for them and for their genius children, but it is getting old.

Manic Mommy: This one is an easy one! You be thankful you are not a bragging parent and you just smile and say “How lovely!” every time those parents start to brag about their children. And while you’re smiling and telling them how lovely their children are, simply hold your own brilliant child in your arms and know secretly that yours is way smarter than theirs is — because you know that a bragging parent has something seriously lacking.

Just Another Manic Mommy

Disney or Bust?

Dear Manic Mommy: I have a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old. My parents live nearby, have a great relationship with them and are our primary babysitters (plus child care every Thursday). I am going out of town with my husband for a wedding in May. My parents volunteered to watch the kids. Then they decided to take them to Florida. Then they decided to go to Orlando. Then they decided to go for 10 days. (We’ll only be gone for three and a half of those.) The plane tickets were booked by the time I found out about these plans. Then they decided to do Disney. I haven’t done Disney with the kids, and I really want to be the one to take them to Disney for the first time. My parents don’t get that, and they have no sense of boundaries. Knowing that I can’t blow them off or restrict their access, how do I get them to recognize our boundaries and respect them?

Manic Mommy: Wow. I mean, wow. When I first read this, I was floored. And I hate Disney with a passion and used to always joke that if my kids ever wanted to go to Disney, the grandparents would have to take them. But even as much as the idea of Disney made me cringe, just the experience of seeing the joy on your own children’s faces as they meet Mickey and the princesses for the first time is something parents should get to have firsthand, not on the video your parents bring home.

I think this is over-the-top boundary breaking for a parent to do to a grown child. I’m trying to see both sides. I’m sure your parents are wonderful, doting, loving, caring, giving parents who want absolutely nothing but THE best for your kids. But there are boundaries, and this is clearly a case of the invisible pet fence with dogs running around without their electric collars on. (With all due respect to your parents, I’m not saying they’re dogs; I’m just saying they are not respecting the invisible fence that is a your right to put up when it comes to certain boundaries and expectations.)

At this point, I’m guessing you can’t ask them not to take your kids on this vacation. The plans have been made. I do think you need to have a serious heart-to-heart with them, though, so they can start respecting you as the parent and primary decision maker for what you will or won’t allow for your children. And their taking your children away for 10 days — and out of the state, no less — without first clearing it with you is a big deal, in my book.

Just Another Manic Mommy

C-Section Times Two?

Dear Manic Mommy: My daughter had a C-section with her first baby and is thinking of having a vaginal birth with her second. Would you recommend this, or is a C-section easier the second time around?

Thank you, Patrice

Manic Mommy: Hi Patrice — I think it’s so nice of you to be concerned for your daughter! Well, honestly, I don’t know if a C-section is easier a second time around, since I didn’t have a second C-section. I imagine it is, because with almost anything, doing it the second time around (even experiencing pregnancy!) is easier than the first because you know mostly what to expect. So, yes, I would say that if she opts to have a second C-section, it should be easier the second time around.

Now, if you were asking me if having a vaginal delivery for the second birth as opposed to another C-section, I fully, completely endorse it! She definitely needs to talk to her doctor about her options. Some doctors are opposed to even letting their C-section patients try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean) because there is a slight risk of uterine rupture, so it’s especially important that your daughter discuss the facts with her doctor and that she is comfortable in the decision to try for a VBAC.

It was amazing to be able to experience my daughter’s birth vaginally, although there was a point during labor where I felt like yelling, “Just cut it out of me!” But when she finally emerged from that “ring of fire” they talk about, I was so glad to have had the experience. Just being alert and awake enough to be able to hold Diva immediately after she was born, to be there in that moment, to have her placed on top of my body—it was so worth it for her to be born vaginally. Good luck to your daughter with whatever decision she makes!

Just Another Manic Mommy

Swimmin' in the Prego Pool yet?

Dear Manic Mommy: All my mom friends keep asking when my hubby and I will be wading into the parental pool. We're doing our best, but the questions get old (especially from that one woman who said, "Oh, I thought you were pregnant..."). How can I fend off their questions?

Sincerely, Trish's Dishes

Manic Mommy: There comes a time in a woman's life when some questions just become too personal and none of the other women's business, in my opinion. Many women have difficulties becoming pregnant or choose to put pregnancy off because they want to concentrate on their career or do other things before starting their family. Really, you owe these friends, no matter how close you are to them, no explanation.

But because they are your friends and are excited for you to jump into the "mom waters" with them, the best way to respond is usually with humor, but in a way to let them know you don't want to discuss it further. You could say something like "Who knows? It could be nine months from last night!" or "Hey, maybe we'll get a visit from the Sperm Fairy tonight!" Keep it light, and tell them they'll know something when you know something. If they're really close friends, sometimes they'll find out even before hubby! And as for that one woman who commented she thought you already were pregnant-she definitely does not sound like a friend; she was just rude and inconsiderate!

Your friends mean well. They really do. And when you do become pregnant, they'll be thrilled the day you tell them your hubby's swimmers took the big dip and made it all the way to the deep end! In the meantime, tell him to keep practicing his strokes!

Just Another Manic Mommy

The Newborn Inn

Dear Manic Mommy: I'm pregnant with my first baby, and my in-laws want to come and stay with us when the baby arrives. I was hoping for some time to just get adjusted and to learn how to be a mother. What can I do about this?

Manic Mommy: While I can understand your feelings because I've been there, too, you have to get over it. Right now, you're moody, emotional and all wrapped up with what's going on with you. And that's perfectly, totally, absolutely okay! You're entitled to this. It's your pregnancy. It's your baby.

But let me tell you this: How can you deliver such a crushing blow to that sweet new grandma who is going to love your baby practically as much as you do? Because she will. She will love that baby unconditionally and more than a puppy loves its new owner. It's true.

When I had my second child (Diva), and my third (Tukey), we lived out of town, away from all four grandparents. We needed help because we had no family nearby and I had a toddler (Ajers), and what was I supposed to do with a toddler if I were to go into labor in the middle of the night? Drive myself to the hospital while Mr. Manic stayed home with Ajers? (Which might have been a better idea, because when I did go into labor, he wanted to shave and make some coffee before we went to the hospital!)

I think that with a new baby's arrival, you just have to let some things slide in order to make other people feel happy. Because in the long run, that's what it's all about, and little newborn babies make everyone feel happy!

It's a family affair, and yes, you do have the final say on what you do want in your home and what you will allow, but this is your family, your husband's parents, and believe it or not, they loved your husband as much as you love that little baby growing inside of you right this minute. Know how that feels? Know how it would feel to have that love crushed?
Invite them into your home. When you need a break from the craziness of having company, take your baby into your room, close your door, snuggle with your newborn and your husband, and just connect with each other.

And when that baby starts squawking and you've done all you can to calm him, you've fed him, and changed him, and rocked him and tried everything, and you're exhausted and you've cried, and your husband is back at work and you've been up five times since 3 a.m. ... well, take that little bundle of cherubness right over to your doting and loving mother-in-law, plop him into her waiting arms, and drag your tired butt back to your bed, throw your pillows over your head, cover yourself up with your favorite blankets and get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

And don't worry. Your baby will still be there when you wake up. And your mother-in-law? She will have just spent the most joyous couple of hours staring into the eyes of one of the biggest miracles of her life. Your gift to her. Cherish it all!

Just Another Manic Mommy

Presenting ... my Kindergartner!

Dear Manic Mommy: I want to present my kindergartner in the best possible light to his new teacher, yet on the other hand, he has some problems getting along with others, listening to directions and doing what he is told. Should I let the teacher find out for herself, or should I give her a preview?

Manic Mommy: I would go with the wait-and-see approach on this one. I don't think a kindergarten teacher needs to have a child "presented" to her. My guess is she's probably been teaching for a little while now and has dealt with all types of kids. And it sounds to me like your son is quite normal, acting like most kids his age. In fact, you've just described two of my three kids, and only one of them is kindergarten-aged!

If there's a kindergarten orientation, then you and your son should definitely go to meet the teacher. While you're there, if you feel the opportunity presents itself, discuss some of your concerns with the teacher but don't go overboard (and don't discuss these things in front of your child!), because what might seem like a major problem to you may just be normal kindergarten behavior to the teacher.

As for the first day of school, the best way to prepare your child is to do the obvious: Have his hair and teeth brushed and his clothes cleaned. Tell him to smile at the other kids, to be nice and to say "please" and "thank you."

Most likely you'll have an opportunity to discuss any concerns with the teacher when school has been in session a few weeks, and certainly she'll contact you if she needs to, but I'm thinking your son is going to be just fine!

In the meantime, to get yourself and your son prepped for kindergarten, hit the library, as there are some great books on the subject for kids starting the big K! A favorite silly one our family loves is We Share Everything by Robert N. Munsch and Michael Martchenko. You also might want to reread (because I know you had to have heard of it before!) All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum. It's a great little lesson for all of us!

Just Another Manic Mommy

Four Kids, a few "Situations"

Dear Manic Mommy: I have four kids: a 15-year-old boy, a 14-year-old girl, a 9-year-old boy and a 2-year-old boy. Why do the two older kids always gang up on the 9-year-old? It's gotten so bad that it's made the 9-year-old mean and deceiving.

Manic Mommy: Oh, I am feeling your pain. And I don't even have teenagers yet! It seems to me that you've got a couple of situations here (I don't want to call them problems). The first one is that your older kids are picking on your third child. The other situation is that this is causing your 9-year-old to be not so nice. I'm not sure which is more frustrating to you - are you bothered more by the two older kids' behavior or by your 9-year-old's reaction to their ganging up on him?

I think you need to start with the two older ones. At their ages, they should know better than to antagonize their younger brother to the point of making him lash out. If their actions are truly the cause of his meanness and deception, I would discuss some tactics with your older children and explain what the consequences will be if they start ganging up on your 9-year-old. If they cannot behave and do what is expected of them, then maybe it's time to start taking some of their privileges away.

I would also hold a family meeting. As dorky as that may sound, this is what I do with my kids whenever there is a problem among the three of them. I gather them all together and let them know there are not many people in the world who we can trust more than each other, and that these are the only brothers and sister they are ever going to have. When they shout that they wish they never had a brother or a sister, I tell them they are lucky to have siblings, because, while they might not realize it now, they'll be each other's permanent friend for life.

Just Another Manic Mommy

I'm Pregnant, Can I Keep My Java?

Dear Manic Mommy: I just found out I'm pregnant, and I'm a coffee drinker. Do I have to quit drinking coffee?

Manic Mommy: I'm sure your doctor is going to tell you to skip your morning java jolt, probably while he's bouncing off the walls from just having had his venti-nonfat-skinny-mini-vanilla-Brazilian-whatever, right? Now, I am no doctor (I've never even played one on TV!), but there is such a thing as everything in moderation. Of course, vats of caffeine would be detrimental to your fetus, but one or two cups a day, whether you're having coffee or soda, won't cause a miscarriage or make your baby grow an extra appendage. Unless it's a boy, and then there will be an extra appendage.

However, you should know some caffeine facts. Caffeine is a stimulant and does affect different parts of the body, whether you're pregnant or not. It increases blood pressure and heart rate, and it can cause dehydration.

Studies have shown that women who consume too much caffeine during pregnancy (and the debate's still on as to how much is too much) have a higher risk of babies being born breech, or newborns with tremors or irregular heartbeats. Caffeine can also increase your risk of gestational diabetes, pregnancy-induced high blood pressure and leg cramps. Gee, I sound smart, don't I? I discovered all this information through Googling "coffee + pregnancy" while I was at my local Starbucks. (Oops, sorry, I wasn't there drinking a latte! I can't stand the stuff, really!)

The best advice is to take the advice of your doctor, your relatives and your mom-friends, and then make the best decision for yourself and for the health of your baby. If you need a little pick-me-up in the morning, go ahead and enjoy one cup. If you're worried about it, then don't drink it. You've already given up appletinis, right? So, how much harder can it be to give up your morning cup of joe?

Bottom line, what's more important in the long run? Your baby or your Brazilian? (And I'm not talking about your bikini line!) Besides, you can have all the coffee you want after the baby's born and you're done breast-feeding (your baby can ingest caffeine through your breast milk, and this can affect the baby's sleep cycle and cause irritability). By that time, you'll need your coffee to help keep you alert, since you'll be suffering from major lack of sleep!

Just Another Manic Mommy

Name Calling at School

Dear Manic Mommy: My 7-year-old daughter got off the bus in tears the other day because someone called her a name at school. I'm afraid she's going to have self-esteem issues if this keeps happening!

Manic Mommy: I feel for you! Kids can be so cruel! My own brother was mean to me. He used to call me Whale-Bone-Whaler. (Let me just explain something about this terrible nickname: It was the late '70s/early '80s when the Whaler sandwich debuted at Burger King. We went to Burger King a lot. And, yeah, I was kinda chunky.)

But still, that nickname was not nice! And I should have done what I'm going to tell you to tell your daughter, and what I tell my children today when someone says something mean.

I tell them that there are people in the world who are filled with garbage, who don't feel good about themselves, so they try to get rid of their own garbage by dumping it onto other people. And I can't necessarily take credit for coming up with this clever garbage-truck analogy, because I originally heard it from my yoga teacher. But it's such a great concept.

People who don't feel good about themselves try to toss the dirt and the garbage from their own lives into other peoples' lives so they can feel better about themselves by making others feel dirty or worse.

So, when your son or daughter comes home feeling sad because someone said something mean to them or called them a rotten name like Whale-Bone-Whaler (even if it is your own brother whom you still love dearly but still remind 25-plus years later that he was a jerky and mean 10-year-old!), then just look to your shoulder, flip the dirt that ignorant person is trying to dump on you right off, and if you have to, say this out loud: "No, thanks, you can keep your dirt and your garbage, because I don't want it!