In the News
Getting in HIS Head
What’s he really thinking
By: Greg Hartley and Maryann Karinch
In her dating life, Judith Hall has encountered her share of baffling male behavior.
There was the lunch date when a man forgot her name in the middle of a conversation.
Then, there was a man who seemed like the perfect gentleman online, but turned out to be a “wolf on the prowl” when she met him in person.
“There’s a theater of words and actions that you evaluate,” says Hall, a 40-something from the North Hills. “It’s like a dance: Who takes the first step, and who takes the second step? It’s very interesting.”
Men. What is it with those martians?
Trying to figure out what a guy is really saying, and not saying, and what he really is like can be baffling to a woman. It’s not just the difference in the male and female brains, but the games, deceptions and pickup lines some men regularly pull with women. What’s a woman to do?
Two authors — in response to the popular Neil Strauss book, “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists” — have put out their own book intended as an antidote to the Strauss book, and a helpful guide for women who are trying to dissect the male mind. “Date Decoder: Military Intelligence Techniques to Expose What He’s Really Thinking” — by Maryann Karinch, and former U.S. Army interrogator Greg Hartley — gives women tools, so that they can see through men’s games and properly evaluate their character, intentions and interest level.
Most women, Karinch says, focus so much on attracting and impressing a guy that they forget to take a close look at him and ask, “Is this guy good for me?”
“The first questions we want to know is, ‘Do I look attractive? Am I behaving appropriately?’ It’s all about me, me, me,” says Karinch, of Estes Park, Colo. “But, wait a minute. Why are we out there trying to impress him when we don’t know if he’s right for us?”
The Rev. Judith Boggs, pastor of First Lutheran Church in Apollo, Armstrong County, agrees.
“I think, sometimes, women don’t really stop to think about what men are really thinking, and they should,” Boggs says. “I think sometimes people are wrapped up in their own heads, and not really paying attention to the other person the way they should be. They think they know what the other person is thinking, but they don’t.”
Boggs, 54, has been happily married to Mike Boggs for 24 years. One of the reasons their relationship has been successful is that they really listen to each other, and show an interest in each other’s interests and way of thinking, despite the gender difference.
Karinch says that by reading the book and internalizing its insight and suggestions about how to decode men — via observing their actions and body language, and really listening to what they say — women can save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding the bad guys, or unfulfilling relationships. Women can better spot the liars — such as married men posing as bachelors — con artists, users and sociopaths, and avoid them, with these tools, she says.
They can determine what their deal-breakers are, and enforce them, says Karinch, who is a native of Cornwall, Lebanon County.
“Once you establish for yourself what you want …. and really look at your own set of what your entitlements are, you’ll see right off the bat if there are signs of him violating you,” Karinch says. “Even if he’s nice to you, if other people around you aren’t getting good treatment, then that’s not a good sign.”
Hartley, who lives in the Atlanta area, agrees.
“Most people go into dating with less preparation than when they go to find a car, but they’re looking for someone they’re going to spend their life with,” Hartley says.
Women do this, he says, because they think love “just happens.”
“Love does happen, but it can happen with the wrong person easily,” Hartley says. “I think you can take this skill set and find out who you’re talking to, and what they’re really saying. … A lot of times, the women sabotage themselves by asking the wrong question.”
Many male-female relationship problems, Hartley says, comes from the differences between the two people, and the lack of figuring each other out properly.
“If you’re in any long-term relationship, your realize (men’s) brains are wired differently,” he says.
How to decode him
Remember that DECODE is an acronym for what you should do:
Determine what you need
Evaluate the pool of candidates
Collect information about each
Observe his behaviors
Decide what it all means
Emphasize positives to get the best outcome
Detecting true intentions
Are you frustrated by trying to figure out men? Following are some tips and insights from the book “Date Decoder: Military Intelligence Techniques to Expose What He’s Really Thinking” (Polka Dot Press, $10.95 softcover).
Watch how a guy treats a waitress, or other people in serving positions. If he is harsh and rude with servers, it doesn’t matter how nice he is to you; he has a character problem.
Women might preen — by playing with their hair, for instance — to flirt with a man. Men, however, may ruffle their plumage by swaggering and standing stronger, or wearing a shirt that’s tight at the arms, to look more muscular.
If a man is attracted to you, he will drop hints like using a softer, slower type of speech than he would use in the office or with his friends, and his tone of voice often changes. He might fidget out of nervousness, and remove physical barriers by moving his coffee to the side instead of holding it in front of him as he talks.
Ask your date direct questions about the important things. For instance, say “Are you married?” rather than “Are you available?” For the cheating types of men, they can be both married and available, in their minds.
When people are sexually attracted to each other, their pupils often dilate.
Even if a guy shows all signs of physical attraction to you, it doesn’t mean his intentions are pure or his character good.
Source: Tribune-Review/Pittsburgh Tribune-Review