ASK REAL GUYS
He Has a Hidden Past
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I am a 47-year-old single mom. I have been divorced for 13 years. I have been dating a wonderful Southern gentleman for four months. As soon as we laid eyes on each other, we both clicked and believed it was the beginning of all we had longed for. During one of our long conversations, he told me he was married only once, a long time ago. He has three grown children and said he has been divorced for 22 years. I did a background check and found out he had also been married a second time (it lasted nine years) and that he divorced a year ago. I decided to confront him about it, and he said we should discuss the matter in person. He also told me this was a “nonissue”” because he loves me deeply and that this was a painful part of his past he was not ready to disclose. I think this may be a deal breaker for me because of trust issues from my past. Prior to this discovery, I had told him how much I respected him and admired his honesty and integrity. It’s been a week since this happened. I thought it would be best to think things through, and then we could talk. Unfortunately, I have not heard from him in a week. What do you think is going on? Is he never going to call me again because he is guilty? Still married? Or mad that I did some digging into his past? He was a commander in the fire department for 28 years and is a good man. I would love to get your feedback.
Steven: I don’t know whether he will call. The mere fact that you say you value his honesty and integrity but that you found out he wasn’t honest about nine years of his life sounds like a deal breaker for you. If you discuss moving beyond this situation, you might want to ask him, “In the future, how will I know that what you tell me is the truth?” You want to find out why he lied. If he says he lied because he was afraid to tell you the truth, you might want to find out what else he is afraid of – and when he is afraid, what is going to be different so he doesn’t lie to you in the future?