ASK REAL GUYS
Hot and Cold
Dear ASK REAL GUYS: I had a man come into my life and we started seeing each other after his divorce. I had known him for 2 1/2 years and we spent time around one another in a platonic, family-setting on a regular basis. There was attraction from the very beginning, but his ex-fiancé – who left him – came back in the picture. They were married, but the marriage was over within a year. He and I picked up where we left off, but the first time we had sex he started pushing me away.
His best friends told me he had talked about me, and everyone knew there was something there. He left to go to Iraq for four months, and after being home for three months he decided he wanted to see me. We had been around each other at get-togethers, but I always gave him his space. When we finally hooked up again and had sex, he pushed me away once more. Friends asked him – “What’s the matter are you scared?” And he just dropped his head.
The thing is, when we had sex it was so intense that it took his breath away, and it was the same for me except that I briefly blacked out the last time. I have never had this happen before, and it even happens during masturbation when I fantasize about him and no one else. I want to know if this is normal, and I’m wondering if this could have scared him away. He had to ship out to Guam just two months after we were together for the second time, so I haven’t seen him since. He keeps in contact with my family and our friends, but he just asks them to say hi to me. I’m really confused, any advice?
Avery: Despite the intense sexual experiences that you have had with this man, he’s clearly indicating that he’s not ready for a relationship. His comfort level with you seems to be that he’ll see you occasionally and then keep you at a distance. Until he’s ready to change that – and he’ll be the one to tell you – I would say that it’s safe to assume there’s no future with this man and to move on. However, since the chemistry with him when you’re together is very strong, you need to decide what is right for you, when he contacts you next. If seeing him is the wrong thing for you, then you will just be causing yourself unnecessary emotional pain.