Make 2011 Your Sexiest Year Yet! Day 10: 7 Tips for Keeping It HOT

You may have found Mr. Right (or even Mr. Right Now) ... but how to you keep things spicy now that the thrill of the chase is over?

Make 2011 Your Sexiest Year Yet!
Day 10: 7 Tips for Keeping It HOT

You may have found Mr. Right (or even Mr. Right Now) … but how do you keep things spicy now that the thrill of the chase is over?

-The Betty Editors


Welcome to Day 10 of your SEXIEST year ever! Click here to catch up on Day 9: Sex Up Your Wardrobe!

It’s so easy to fall into a rut when you’ve been with the same person for a while. We asked sex therapist and founder of Ian Kerner for some advice on spicing it up in the new year and avoided the dreaded “roommate syndrome.”

(And for those of you single girls, a lot of this advice applies to you too! But for some sexy tips on how to feel va-va voom whether you’ve got a honey or not, check out our complete list here!)


1. Have sex at least once a week.
Sounds obvious, but easier said than done. By some estimates, more than 40 million Americans are stuck in sexless marriages and there’s truth to the phrase “use it or lose it” – people who go without sex for extended periods of time often develop a “dearth of drive” as natural testosterone levels lower. Sex is a little like exercise. Once we stop doing it, it’s easy to get stuck in a slump, but once we get back on track, we remember how much we missed it. So my suggestion, “try it, you’ll like it.” It’s easy to forget how much fun sex can be, and just doing it once a week will put you back in a regular groove. And if you need some ideas for spicing up your weekly rendez-vous, check out my new book, 52 Weeks of Amazing Sex.

2. Go for 20-second hugs.
All it takes is a 20-second hug to get the “cuddle hormone” oxytocin flowing in women and facilitate a sense of connection. Men need to be hugged three times as much as women to get to similar levels, so go for a full minute of hugging once a day. Non-sexual intimacy is for keeping “in touch” with your partner and laying the foundation for a healthy sex life.

3. Be more positive!
Studies show that the difference between those relationships that succeed and those that fail is the ability to have a high ratio of positive to negative interactions. It’s actually believed that the ratio should be 5 to 1 — five positive interactions for every negative one. Now obviously, we can’t go around counting our interactions, but we can intuit if we’re largely in the positive or swinging toward the negative. To have a great sex life, you have to be in the sort of relationship that supports having a great sex life, so work on what’s happening outside of the bedroom.

4. Keep it fresh.
After you’ve had sex with the same person at least a thousand times, it’s easy to fall into a routine. There are two types of sexual arousal — mental and physical. In the beginning of a relationship, we have no shortage of sexy thoughts and feelings that turn us on and create a sense of sexual anticipation, but after a while the mental component can easily fade and we rely on physical stimulation. We know each other’s bodies and we know how to get where we’re going, but we don’t know how to appreciate the journey anymore. That’s when it becomes time to introduce some new routes and paths to pleasure.

5. Stay healthy.
A person’s sexual health and overall health are intimately connected. Diet, stress, nutrition, exercise and medication all play a big role in sexual desire. If either you or your partner isn’t taking care of your health, your sex life could quickly go in the dumps. Eat for your heart and you’re eating for your libido. Don’t just eat to live, eat to love. Exercise also increases metabolism, blood flow and the release of endorphins — all of nature’s natural aphrodisiacs.

6. Share a fantasy or two.
Sigmund Freud gave fantasy a bad name back in 1908 when he said, “A happy person never fantasizes, only a dissatisfied one.” But research shows that people with active fantasy lives are more sexually satisfied, more sexually responsive and more adventurous about sex in general. Not bad. Kaye Wellings, a respected British biologist, puts it best in her book First Love, First Sex: “Fantasies perform a valuable function. Most of us, most of the time, behave conservatively, sexually and otherwise. Our erotic experiences represent only the tip of the iceberg in terms of possibilities. Many possibilities only see the light of day through fantasies or dreams, seldom as reality.”

7. Unplug.
What’s the point of making all of these resolutions if we don’t actually make the time to have sex? Sure it’s easier said than done, what with careers and obligations filling our days and nights; but lately we seem to be winding down on respective laptops, so in 2011 turn off the technology, tune in … and hopefully turn on.

Tune in tomorrow for our next great tip … and catch up on the previous tips here!

Ian Kerner


In addition to being the founder of, Ian Kerner is a sex and relationships counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books including She Comes First and Love in the Time of Colic. Lear more about Ian’s books here.

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