Mean Betty Attempts to Wrap Her Brain Around Beyonce’s Sequined Fake Breasts (NSFW!)

Beyonce's latest tour costume features a pair of fake, sparkly breasts plastered to the front -- though Mean Betty cannot BEGIN to fathom why.

Beyonce boob costume

As you may know, kittens, dearest Beyonce kicked off her greatly anticipated “The Mrs. Carter Show” world tour this week in Belgrade—but it isn’t her powerful pipes that are making headlines. It isn’t even her bootylicious dance moves. No, kittens, it’s something else entirely: Her costumes. Why all the hullabaloo about yet another set of designer duds? Because these ones happen to have a set of very sparkly breasts attached to the front—nipples included.

Of course, kittens, according to the Daily Mail, they aren’t Beyonce’s real boobs; they’re fake. But to be honest, Meanie isn’t entirely sure which option she finds more bizarre: The possibility that Mrs. Carter’s actual boobs have been covered in sequins, or that Mrs. Carter is sporting fake boobs covered in sequins as a (dare she say it) fashion statement. Butler, darling? Meanie is going to need another cocktail. It is FAR too early to be pondering a set of glittering breasts, fake or otherwise. A Bloody Mary should do it. Or two. Or an entire pitcher, please.

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Bey, dear? May Meanie inquire as to what you hoped to accomplish through this rather perplexing act of Bedazzling? Because she is at quite a loss here, and she is POSITIVE that she isn’t the only one who has spent the past several days with her face repeatedly contorting itself into its “huh?” expression. Furthermore, which of your many designers came up with the idea in the first place? Was it Emilio Pucci? Dsquared2? Ralph and Russo? (Pssst – rumor has it that it was The Blonds.) And what does your beloved Mr. Carter think about your choice of attire? What will you tell Baby Blue Ivy when she finds these photographs and questions what function those ta-tas served? This goes beyond inquiring minds simply wanting to know; in this case, baffled minds would dearly love to be able to make sense of this sordid affair as a whole.

Any reply would be appreciated, dearest, darlingest Beyonce; but in the (quite likely) event that she should refrain from offering any sort of elucidation, Meanie would like to ask you what you think, kittens. Is Beyonce making some sort of statement? Is it some form of haute couture joke? Or is it simply something around which us mere mortals were not meant to wrap our tiny little minds?

It’s no use, kittens; Meanie will have to leave the pondering to a more able noggin than her own. In the meantime, Meanie hopes you have a wonderful and not at all bewildering day ahead of you. After all, after starting the day off with a set of fake sequined breasts, it can only get better from there, no?

XO,
Mean Betty

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