Mean Betty Ponders the Perplexing Celebrity Trend That Is the Monokini

Mean Betty simply does not "get" the monokini. Can someone explain it to her? Please?

Mean Betty Ponders the Perplexing Celebrity Trend That Is the Monokini

Mean Betty simply does not “get” the monokini. Can someone explain it to her? Please?

-Mean Betty

Paris Hilton monokini 1

Kittens, Meanie has a very important question to ask you this morning:

Can someone please explain the monokini?

Meanie is absolutely serious, kittens; the monokini is something she simply does not “get.” Having neither the sex appeal of a bikini or the vintage fun of a one-piece, the monokini instead seems to be a veritable Frankenstein’s monster of a swimsuit—and if Meanie is being totally honest, she thinks they are hideous. This, perhaps, is why she also does not “get” why every celebrity under the sun seems to be embracing this inexplicable and bizarre trend lately. Not even the pool boy was been able to provide a satisfactory explanation. And so Meanie beseeches you, kittens: Help her understand so that she may put her weary mind to rest!

First, let us begin with a definition. Wikipedia, that beloved information source of the lazy researcher, defines the monokini as follows:

“A monokini, sometimes referred to as a unikini, is a woman’s one-piece garment comprising only the lower half of a bikini, leaving the breasts uncovered. The term monokini is also used for any topless swimsuit, particularly a bikini bottom worn without a bikini top.”

So far, so good; Meanie understands. If a bikini, with the prefix “bi,” has two pieces, then it would stand to reason that a monokini, with the prefix “mono,” would have only one. Urban Dictionary further elaborates on this definition, giving us the monokini’s function: apparently, it is “generally used for tanning purposes.” This also makes sense; after all, the only possible way to avoid tan lines is to ensure that there are no lines around which a tan could occur in the first place.

The modern monokini, however, has evolved into something significantly more perplexing. Instead of simply a topless bikini, it has become a cutout one-piece—with the cutouts being so extreme that the garment ultimately has more negative space than actual swimsuit. Furthermore, if a traditional monokini was designed to avoid awkward tan lines, how is it that the modern monokini seems to create nothing but awkward tan lines?

Recently, these strange pieces of swimwear have been spotted on such celebrities as Stephanie Seymour:

Stephanie Seymour monokini

Paris Hilton, also shown above:

Paris HIlton monokini 2

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Adrienne Bailon:

Adrienne Bailon monokini

And, perhaps unsurprisingly, Snooki:

Snooki monokini

These four monokinis run the gamut from the somewhat acceptable to the “Agh! My eyes are burning!”. Stephanie has gone for something demur and almost bearable; Paris predictably has chosen something she believes shows off her best assets; Adrienne seems to be longing to star in a space adventure with a soundtrack by Queen; and Snooki… come to think of it, this is simply standard Snooki, is it not?

Meanie is less surprised to see the monstrosity that is the monokini on the like of Paris and Snooki, as these two have not hitherto shown themselves to be the classiest of individuals. Nor does Adrienne’s appear to be out of character, as her primary claim to fame is having once dated Rob Kardashian. Stephanie is the odd one out here; hers, however, is relatively demur and significantly less tacky than the others on display. In fact… Dare Meanie say it? Stephanie’s may even be flattering. Astonishing!

In light of this revelation, then, perhaps Meanie has worked out her own answer to the conundrum: If one must wear a monokini, one should follow Stephanie Seymour’s shining example. Paris, Adrienne, and Snooki, however, remain as they always have: The very image of precisely what one should never do. Ever.

Gasp! Kittens! Meanie has made a startling discovery! It appears that such creatures as Paris and Snooki DO have a function in society! Without them, however would we learn about the tragic fate that might befall us should we make similarly poor decisions and likewise unfortunate fashion choices?

Meanie raises her mimosa to Paris, Snooki, and the like. May we never dress as terribly as them.

Salute!

XO,

Mean Betty

Photos 1, 2, 3, 4, 5


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One thought on “Mean Betty Ponders the Perplexing Celebrity Trend That Is the Monokini

  1. boop says:

    As someone who has a great body, but not so great scars from life saving surgeries…well that's why I wear a monokini.

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