Mean Betty Raises a Glass to Her New Year’s Resolutions
Meanie rings in the new year with some New Year’s resolutions. Some of them involve Jon Hamm.
Happy New Year, kittens! Meanie hopes you had a satisfactory one, full of champagne, streamers, elegant parties, and smooches at midnight. But now that the clock has turned and the parties are over, it’s time to face the daily grind once more. And at least for the very beginning of year, that means the inclusion of one thing that may have fallen by the wayside by the end of the previous year: resolutions. Have you made your New Year’s resolutions, kittens? Though Meanie doesn’t always set store by them, this year, she decided to sit down with a martini or two (or three, or five, or…), put her pen to some very expensive personalized stationary, and jot down a few. As Meanie is quite proud of the results, she thought she might take a moment to share them with you, her beloved, faithful readers. So grab a champagne flute, throw some confetti, and resolve away!
1. Stop taking the butler for granted. He’s really a wonder; he somehow manages to simultaneously have all the latest celebrity gossip and the most delicious cocktails available at all times. How exactly does one show one’s appreciation for one’s butler? Are fruit baskets appropriate? Perhaps a fruit basket delivered by Simon Cowell. The butler has always wanted to appear on one of dear Simon’s shows.
2. Figure out why the world is so obsessed with pregnant celebrities. Do you know? Because Meanie doesn’t. But she is determined to find out! Perhaps then we can put this mystery surrounding Beyonce’s baby bump to rest?
3. Be more like Sofia Vergara. There is nothing that gorgeous, hilarious woman can’t do. A model citizen of Hollywoodland if ever there was one!
4. Stop ragging on the Kardashians so much. It’s getting far too easy. Meanie needs a challenge, someone worthy of her sharp and witty tongue! The suggestion box is open, kittens, so do let Meanie know who you think would benefit most from her sage wisdom and advice!
5. Give the pool boy a raise. Also a new swimsuit. Preferably a Speedo.
6. Stay on top of current events. That is, current events that are potentially of the non-celebrity variety. Politicians may be a little drier than Meanie’s beloved entertainment personages, but they are no less scandalous. Just ask that silly Mr. Weiner.
7. Find a substitute for Harry Potter. Life just seems so empty without the magic of Hogwarts. Sigh.
8. Seduce Jon Hamm and make him Meanie’s love slave. This requires no explanation.
9. Find a way to introduce self to Prince William and Duchess Catherine. Earning a title would, of course, follow shortly. Perhaps Meanie should wing her way across the pond for “the season?”
10. Hire Jared Leto a personal stylist. Really. Someone’s got to do SOMETHING about his… little problem.
11. Take up a hobby. Birdwatching, perhaps? Binoculars can be useful to have on hand for celebrity spotting—er, bird spotting.
12. Attempt to understand Courtney Stodden…. Wait, never mind. Surely that would be impossible!
Well! 12 seems like rather a lot of resolutions, and honestly, Meanie isn’t quite sure that she’ll be able to keep all of them. But of course, she will try her absolute hardest—and she hopes all of you will, too. What are your New Year’s resolutions, kittens?
Happy New Year!