Lex on Sex
Sex is His Solution
My husband’s solution to almost everything is making love. When I’m sad, he suggests making love. If I say I’m feeling chubby, he gets extra-affectionate. At those times, I couldn’t feel less sexy, desirable or in need of sex. I don’t want to have sex, but I also hate rebuffing my dear husband. What do I do?
– Not Feeling It
Dear Not Feeling It,
Well, there’s a great insight into your husband – sex is his pick-me-up. It’s kind of sweet that he’s trying to help with sharing himself in physically intimate ways, and he isn’t that far off. Our biology gifts us with pleasurable, hopefully amazing sex. If you feel like you can rally, it’s not a bad way to an instant mood change, and it’s all-natural. However, we know that sex isn’t always the answer. If you can’t keep your mind from hovering around your angst during sex, the nookie isn’t going to be good for either of you. It’s not worth forcing yourself into bed in hopes of feeling better.
So, have you ever discussed with your husband what you prefer as a pick-me-up? You are being emotionally intimate whenever you are exposing your feelings. What kind of intimate response do you desire at those times?
It’s great that you are aware of why you are feeling crappy at your low times. Now, can you push it to the next step and put your finger on what will make you feel better? Do you want to talk about it and get it off of your chest? Or would you rather go for a run, to get your endorphins pumped another way and to get your mind off it? Or, my favorite – a sugar rush from chocolate-chip cookie dough! If you keep turning to your hubby in your times of need and he doesn’t know what you want, he’ll just keep going for what he knows feels good: sex! So let him know explicitly what you want. Ask him to hear you out, to just listen; say that you need help finding your running shoes; or even ask him to do the running (out to the bodega for Pillsbury’s finest!).
The intimacy you gain in trusting him with your needs and sharing that part of yourself will probably benefit both of you, making the subsequent sex all the better!