In Her Words
The Biggest Surprise of My Life
As soon as I accepted that we’d have an only child…along comes another
-Julie Ryan Evans
What’s crazy to me is that I didn’t know. Me, who used to know to the hour when my body should be ovulating; me, who spent thousands of dollars on pregnancy tests over the past seven years; me, who even after miscarriages and too many heartbreaking disappointments to count, still continued to hold out hope. Until I didn’t any longer.
And, of course, that’s when it happened. I thought I had the stomach flu along with my son. But his got better and mine didn’t. That’s when it dawned on me that I couldn’t remember where I was in my cycle. So I waited a few days, and still feeling queasy, I decided to take a test – fully expecting to see that f-ing solo line staring back at me, which so many times in the past caused me to run around to every window looking for light that would shine just right and show me a glimmer of a second line.
But there was no need for alternate lighting this time. There were two bright, purple lines shining back at me.
Shaking, I burst into tears, which for years would have been of sheer joy, but now were tainted with so much fear and uncertainty I didn’t know what to do. It’s hard to finally get something you once wanted more than anything on earth after you have convinced yourself that you no longer do.
So, here I sit, at times happier than I could ever imagine, with thoughts of my son getting to be a big brother, and getting to do it all over again. But I’m also terrified after my son’s very scary arrival at 27 weeks when I developed preeclampsia. I feel like a ticking time bomb, waiting for something to go wrong, wondering if each twitch or pain is normal, or if it’s my body betraying me once again. Then I worry about worrying so much because I know stress in pregnancy is no good.
So, here we go. We’re hoping for the best, trying to stay positive and trying to enjoy this miraculous surprise. Eighteen weeks down and hopefully 22 more long ones to go to nurture and grow this new addition to our family…and figure out how to replicate Chipotle’s spicy steak tacos at home, because that’s seriously all this baby seems to want!