What Would Debbie Do?
What to Do About a Cheating Husband?
I just found out my husband is cheating on me. I am so torn apart and angry at him, I don’t know what to do. Please help.
The betrayal of an affair is a devastating thing. Right now, I’m sure you are experiencing a range of emotions that can turn on a dime when triggered. You’ll undoubtedly go from wanting him to make it right, to wanting to kick him out of the house. Here are some important things to remember:
For starters, an affair is most often a symptom of a bigger problem. Unless your husband is a philanderer at heart (I’m sure you would have known this before you married him), chances are there have been some changes in your marriage such as the level of intimacy, his business or something traumatic like the death of a loved one. People often behave in ways that are hard to explain. So while you’re mad that he has betrayed you, the focus shouldn’t be on that (or the other women, for that matter), it should be on what happened in your relationship that caused this breach of trust.
This is a very difficult and introspective process because it requires you take a good look at yourself, your role in the marriage and how you both got to this place. It’s easy to just focus on his mistake and be angry or righteous, but I can assure you that you’ll never get anywhere if you do. Go to your husband. Ask him what happened. And then listen without being defensive. He’s going to tell you things that are difficult to hear, and you need to listen with an open heart. You may not agree with anything he says, but if you want to fix the situation, you’re going to have to try to understand from his perspective. Only then can the healing begin; and you can try and rebuild trust based on honest communication.
In the meantime, just know that the waves of pain will be constant, and the anger will be overwhelming. Try venting to a close friend instead of with your husband. It becomes so difficult to move forward when you’re constantly beating him up for his mistake. It becomes a vicious cycle.
I wish you well. It’s never easy to rebuild trust or mend a broken heart. It can be done, but it takes hard work and perseverance. If your marriage is worth saving, I say give it your all, and try to put this behind you. In time, the wounds will heal, and hopefully, you’ll reach a deeper level of intimacy than before. Good luck.